A Pinch of Nightshade

So much awesome!

2012-02-21T20:19:00.000-08:00

Saturday night, we loaded up and rolled on up to B'town to see the Roller Derby!!

I think I have found my niche y'all.

I have a pair of skates picked out. They have summer work-shops that they offer to get you ready to try out. I really want to do this.

I've also been chewing on a few names. I have it pretty much narrowed down to three:

* Nightshade - it's tried and true, I've used some version of this alias since I opened my very first email account way back in the 9th grade.
* Maleficent Seven - it's a play on the Magnificent Seven. Maleficent is by far the best thing to come out of Disney ever. And given my known adoration for the Queen of Evilness herself, my hubs suggested that I go for something that included her.
* Malice Cooper - I suggested this name to someone else once, and it's stuck with me. She didn't dig it, but I still very much do.

I'm so stoked about this. I can't wait to get those skates and start practicing. Woo!

Amy Poehler is one of my girl crushes.....

2012-02-19T17:28:00.000-08:00

Groundhog Day?

2012-02-05T14:39:00.000-08:00

Y'all remember this movie, right? Where the dude get stuck reliving the same day, over and over...until he finally learns some important lesson, or gets eaten by the groundhog, or something. (I didn't actually finish the movie. I'm one of the rare birds that finds Bill Murray completely unfunny.) I feel like I'm starring in some demented remake of this movie.

You see, Psycho came back again today. The cops had to be called again...making this the third time they've been here in two weeks. I won't even hazard a guess at how many times they've been over at Psycho's house, because apparently he's gone on a crime spree this week.

He came, he threatened us with a very realistic looking cap gun (seriously, why don't they paint those things a color that screams "I'm obviously not a real gun!"??), he tried to kick in our door, he broke into our neighbor's car, he took the police on a multi-block 20 minute chase. But today, they finally arrested his ass. I'm sure more updates will be forthcoming. I have a feeling that I'll be doing this dance a couple more times before it's over.

Now I'm crying!

2012-01-31T09:00:00.000-08:00

Tears of laughter. Seriously, this is by far the hardest I have ever laughed at anything Kristen Bell has ever done. This is hilarious.

"He's coming to the party?!" OMG, I can't breathe.

But I ate my fucking black-eyed peas!!!

2012-01-30T17:39:00.000-08:00

I grew up listening to my Granny tell anyone who would listen that eating black-eyed peas on New Year's Day would bring you good luck for the rest of the year. And eating greens would bring you money, and for the love of gawd, do NOT wash any clothes or someone in your family will die and it will be all your fault and no one will ever let you live it down (right, Aunt Bonnie?).

Last year, I blew off this superstition and failed to eat black eyed peas or greens....and man did I regret it. 2011 was the year of Broke and Unlucky. So this New Year's, I filled my plate to brimming. More black-eyed peas please.....and two helpings of the greens too.

A month into 2012, and I'm all, "What the fuck?! I ate my black-eyed peas!! And my greens! When does all the supernatural New Year's ju-ju kick in?!"

In the last two and a half weeks, I hit my sons' art teacher's car door with my door hard enough to warrant an exchange of insurance information, my oldest son has attracted a violent, mentally disturbed stalker, and my dog ate that same son's class pet two hours into our first assigned weekend to take care of it.

I need a drink. And possibly a padded room.


Doesn't he look cozy?

The car situation was pretty straight forward and easy to take care of. I parked beside her car in the school parking lot, and got out to help my youngest son with his twisted seat belt. The wind gusted, snatched his door out of my hand, and the bottom edge of the door knocked a nasty inch and a half dent/scratch into her back door. I left a note and my number, she called and we exchanged information; one insurance claim later, it's over and the worst thing that happened was my insurance might be going up.

If only I could get rid of the adolescent psycho as easily.

My 9 year old son, Billy (aka: the Goat), is admittedly kinda awesome. He's very easy going and laid back, very caring and artistic, not to mention quite beautiful, in my admittedly biased but peer-reviewed opinion. His only "character flaws" are that he has his daddy's sense of humor and magnet for psychos, and he's much, much, much too passive for his own good.

When he became friends with this 14 year old young man that I'll call "Psycho", I was worried. My husband and I discussed at length how we should handle our very young son becoming BFFs with a boy so much older than him. It became evident pretty early on that Psycho's cheese wasn't firmly situated on his cracker, but he seemed to just be very lonely and immature. So I did what my mother did for me anytime I brought home some kid that she didn't particularly like; I encouraged Psycho to come over, for him and the Goat to spend time together in places where I could supervise without being intrusive. This always worked well for my mother because she either A) came to see that I was right about the person and it eased her mind or B) she had allowed me time and space enough to see that she was right, and I would send the person packing myself. (I never had much of a psycho magnet, and I NEVER had the patience to deal with a whole lot of crazy)

I never really became comfortable with Psycho though. He had absolutely no sense of boundaries. He pitched fits like a toddler if he was denied access to Billy for any reason. He called us incessantly when we left town for a week and a half for Christmas break. It became very obvious that Billy was the more mature of the two despite their ages.

Billy started to tire of Psycho's insistence that he be Billy's one and only friend, and started pulling away and hanging out with his other friends. I had to step in a few times because Psycho's stalker behavior started creeping me out. Psycho (who is home-schooled) started walking to Billy's elementary school about an hour before school got out and sitting in the hallway to wait for Billy to be released so he could walk home with him. I had this stopped because it was CREEPY and because it wasn't supposed to be allowed. I'm Billy's mother, and to get into the building I have to be let in two locked doors and have my photo id copied onto a sticky badge that I have to wear at all times. So I told Billy's teacher what he was doing and had it stopped.

He hid in the woods beside the school every afternoon and waited there instead. So I started walking Billy home in the afternoons too.

A couple days later, Billy and another friend were at the park playing when Psycho came up and found them. He was mad that they had left him out, so he choked Billy.

Seriously. He choked him.

Billy came home and told me and his father what happened and that he didn't want to be friends with Psycho anymore, but that Psycho wouldn't leave him alone.

Not a problem. I got this.

The following day, Billy asked permission to walk home from school with a friend in his class who lives in a completely different neighborhood than us and I told him yes...thinking it would give me an excellent chance to inform Psycho of his blacklisted status when he inevitably showed up at our door that afternoon. I did not count on him following Billy to his friend's house because school had gotten out 2 hours earlier than usual....but somehow he found them. Billy called me and asked me to come pick them up so that he and his friend could play here instead. When I got there, Psycho asked for a ride home because he was freezing and didn't know how to get home from the other boy's house. I gave him a ride, and when I pulled up to his house he immediately began his whining, "But I wanna go to Billy's house!"

I told him no. Billy didn't want him at our house anymore, not to come back over. He got out. When we got to our house, Billy and his friend went to the park.

Five minutes later, my doorbell rang. There was Psycho. He said that he was freezing and could he just come in to warm up? I said no, that he needed to go home and warm up. He walked away. Instead of going home, he went to the park to see Billy. Billy told him again that he didn't want to be friends anymore, and Billy and his friend came back to the house because Psycho was mad again and Billy was scared that he was going to hurt him.

Psycho followed soon after, and I stepped outside to talk to him. When he demanded to see Billy, I explained that Billy no longer wanted to be friends with him, and was no longer allowed to hang out with him regardless.

Psycho's cheese slid the rest of the way off his cracker.

He proceeded to throw himself off my porch into my yard, where he laid - kicking and screaming - swearing that he was going to kill himself and I couldn't take Billy from him. When that failed to move me, he jumped up and ran to the road behind our house and laid in the street. I sent Billy and his friend back out to play down the road, left my 4 year old asleep on the couch and stepped into my backyard to speak to the poor, unknowing lady that had to stop because Psycho was laying in the street.

I explained to her what happened and she called her husband. When Psycho saw her dial her phone he jumped up and ran off. We thought he had finally gone home, because that was the direction in which he ran. So I finished up our conversation and went back into my house through the backdoor........just in time to see Psycho running back out the front door of my house. He had been inside, with my sleeping 4 year old, alone.

I caught him back on the front porch and told him that he was not to come back inside my house and he damn sure was not to come in my house when I wasn't in it. At this point he shifted from being distraught to downright angry. He started yelling about how he hated people like us and he had another friend who did the same thing to him and he was going to go kill that boy. I told him I was going to call the cops and he ran off.

In hindsight, I should have called the cops right then. I should have called the cops, dropped my youngest off at the my neighbor's house, THEN went to find Billy. But I all I could think was, "he threatening to kill this kid, and Billy is out there playing." So instead, I went to find Billy and his friend. I called my husband at work while I walked around to get Billy and asked him to come home and help me deal with this so one of us could always be with the boys. I didn't want to leave them in the house alone after that little punk had been in the house, especially since we had no idea where he went.

So, hubby came home and went over to Psycho's house to speak with him father....who basically had an "aw shucks, that really sucks for y'all" attitude. He said that we should take his threats seriously, but that he couldn't control Psycho. He was really sorry about that. But couldn't we just imagine for a minute what it's like for him?! He has to deal with Psycho's antics all the time. Blah, blah, fucking blah.

At some point during his pity party, the police called and informed him that Psycho was at the boy-who-he-threatened-to-kill's house. He cut his conversation with my husband short so he could go pick Psycho up.

Is everyone still following me? I hope so, because I am not typing all that shit again.

So the day after Psycho's meltdown was a Friday. I had volunteered to bring home the class pet, a Robo Hamster named Digit, for the first time this year. Billy was SO excited. He cleaned his room and everything. Digit ~~has~~ had a reputation for being an escape artist, so I got a large plastic storage container to set his cage in, so if he got out, he would still be caught in the container. Our dog - an old, toothless, mini-dachshund named Oscar - was mildly curious about what we were hiding in the big container, but not excessively so.

Billy wanted Digit to run around in his ball, so we put Oscar in his kennel and gave Digit the run of the kitchen. Escape artist indeed, Digit popped the top off the ball and took off, right beside Oscar's kennel. At which point, Oscar tried to squeeze himself through the bars of his kennel to get to the hamster.

We captured the hamster and put him back in his cage and put the cage back inside the big container. A little while later, we let Oscar out. He immediately launched himself into the large container, knocking the top off the hamsters cage, and gummed him to death while my children screamed in horror and tried to pull him out.

By the time we wrestled his deceptively strong little ass out of that container, it was too late. Digit was dying. Slowly and painfully, I might add. So I did what any other big-hearted country girl would do. I turned away so my kids couldn't see, and I snapped poor little Digit's neck. (my husband was very shocked over this fact. He was all, "I guess we know that you will kill if you have to." To which I reply, "Was that ever in question?")

Billy, whose past few weeks have been just as tense as my own, was inconsolable. He sat on the porch after we buried poor Digit and cried for 45 minutes.

Here lies Digit. Maybe in your next life, you'll stay in your cage where you belong.

So the next day - Saturday, for those following the timeline - Psycho texts me 1000x. He's going to kill himself. How could we do this to him? And (my personal favorite) he beat "so-and-so" with a bat and his mother was fine with it, why was I being so mean? I finally had to have his number blocked to get some peace. I called his father and let him know that he was aggravating the ever-lovin' piss outta me and that he was still threatening to commit suicide....and was completely blown off.

Next day, husband takes Billy and a friend out to this big hill in our neighborhood to sled because it snowed. Psycho approached my husband and tried to get him to let him talk to Billy. Um, no. Then he wanted to give Billy a gift so they could make up. Um, fuck no. Psycho proceeds to circle the sledding area, where he stops and stares at Billy from various vantage points until my husband got creeped out enough to bring the boys home.

All during the week, we get random kids ringing our doorbell with messages from Psycho. Each get turned away with a departing warning to please not get caught up in the crazy.

Thursday, Psycho's ringing the doorbell again. I step out and tell him again that Billy is not allowed to be his friend, he needs to leave. I asked nicely three times, then I called the cops. While we waited, he asks how much longer he has to wait until Billy can be friends with him again. I explain that after his recent behavior, Billy would not be allowed to be his friend ever again. He needed to regroup and find new friends. He became instantly irate. He told me that since he was only staying away (wha...???!) so that we would let Billy be friends again, he had no reason to stay away anymore and he would come over all the time and bug us whenever we came outside. I told him to feel free, and I would call the cops every single time he showed up. To which he responded, "So what. They can't do anything to me. I'm a minor." I explained the concept of juvie (I figure I'm doing him a favor...he's obviously going to be spending some time there at some point.). He squares up to me and informs me that since I'm going to have him arrested and ruin his record anyway, there are no bounds on what he can do to me.

Seriously, dude. Please hit me. It would make this whole process of having the police take the threat you pose SO MUCH EASIER. So much. And I can take a punch. My kids, not so much. At least not Billy. (My middle son Logan...that's another story. Psycho might bite off more than he can chew, because Logan is 3 foot of concentrated awesome and ain't skeered.)

The cops finally arrived at my house and Psycho begins his defense by telling the officer that he's gay and he's in love with Billy and we have to let him have him back.

I thought the officer was going to shit himself in my yard, y'all.

Needless to say, statements were taken, numbers were exchanged, we were assigned an investigator to move our case along. But the weekend came and our investigator had not gotten back to us and we getting more than a little irritated. So when Psycho tried his luck again...this time with my husband instead of me....cops are called, the HEAD of Investigation comes to our house and takes a sworn statement, gives us his personal cell phone number and promises that our investigator (who had been off-duty and had no idea she had a new case) would be by to give us an update on everything by Thursday.

After the Head-dude and the officer who took our sworn statement left, my husband informs me that the whole 2 or so hours I was writing out everything that had happened on their little official document thingy, my shirt was was getting pulled in such a way that my, erm....ample bosoms were giving quite the show. A show that was apparently enjoyed by all three men around my kitchen table. At least maybe they won't forget about us anytime soon.

'Tis The Season

2011-12-02T18:23:00.001-08:00

It's that time again folks. Time to pull out the winter coats; chop down a a tree (or prop up a fake one) and cover it and every other thing that holds still for more than 5 seconds at the time with lights, colorful ornaments, and garland; drink hot chocolate and eggnog; and bitch about whether people say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays".

Best I can remember, this whole rigamarole got started because some store decided to use "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" as a greeting. Which makes sense. Not everyone who walks through their doors celebrates Christmas. There are quite a few holidays that take place this time of year.....Jesus is not the reason for the season for everyone.

I have never, EVER, heard anyone complain that someone said "Merry Christmas" to them. But every year, shortly after Thanksgiving, my inbox/Facebook page/message boards blow the fuck up with shit like this:

WHAT A CROCK OF S***..... We can't say Merry Christmas... now we have to say Happy Holidays. We can't call it a Christmas tree, it's now called a Holiday tree! WHY???....Because it might offend someone...Well.... If you don't ike our "Customs" and it offends you so much, then LEAVE.... I will help you pack. Why do we have to change our "Traditions" because of you??? We already have changed enough of them to support "Your Traditions" ....If you agree with this...please post this as your status!! I AM A PROUD SOUTHERN AMERICAN CITIZEN... MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR :) !! Do you have what it takes to repost this?

~No, random citizen who started this bullshit chain, you do not have to say Happy Holidays just because other people do.~

And this:

I DO NOT CARE IF THIS DOES OFFEND SOMEONE… AND IF IT DOES, DELETE ME PLEASE :) THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE…I AM SICK AND TIRED OF EVERY YEAR WHEN CHRISTMAS COMES AROUND; THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE CHRIST OUT OF CHRISTMAS BECAUSE IT MIGHT OFFEND SOMEONE…WELL, HOW ABOUT ALL OF THE CHRISTIANS?...WHAT ABOUT OFFENDING US BECAUSE YOU ARE TAKING OUR CHRIST OUT OF CHRISTMAS?...CHRIST IS CHRISTMAS!...IF YOU AREN'T CELEBRATING CHRIST THEN WHY ARE YOU CELEBRATING?...CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT THE BIRTH OF OUR SAVIOR!...CHRISTMAS IS ONE OF A FEW HOLIDAYS LEFT THAT CELEBRATE "MY" CHRIST!...LEAVE "MY" HOLIDAY ALONE!...AND TELL EVERYONE MERRY CHRISTMAS, NOT HAPPY HOLIDAYS!...

~This one might be the most infuriating, because it is the dumbest. Please, please, explain to me how saying Happy Holidays is "taking Christ out of Christmas"? Again, Christmas is far from the only holiday celebrated this time of year. So piss off. ~

The best response I have seen to this was on a debate board on Cafemom. A member by the screen name of "romalove" posted this:

I continue to think people have this all wrong.

Giving greetings is not supposed to be a declaration of what is happening with you, but what is happening with who is being greeted. Do you go around wishing other people Happy Birthday on your birthday because you are celebrating? How about Happy Anniversary on your special day, do you wish that to others?

So, in that vein, if I know what a person is celebrating, I wish them to enjoy the holiday they participate in. That means Jews get Happy Hanukah, Christians get Merry Christmas, and anyone else or someone I don't know about gets a Happy Holidays.

People are sometimes to bent on clinging to things they feel are important to themselves that they forget what the real meaning of something like a holiday season is. It's to be kind to each other, no matter what you celebrate, that's the bottom line.

~ Bravo! Thank you for being a rational voice in an otherwise completely irrational argument.~

I always buy cards with "Happy Holidays" on them rather than "Merry Christmas" because quite a few on the people on my "I like you enough to go out of my way to mail you something" and "you're family and even though I never talk to you any other time of the year, one of my closer family members guilted me into sending you a card" lists celebrate Christmas. But now, I get a little thrill of passive aggressive rebellion every time I mail one off to anyone who has emailed or posted some of this Christians are the Poor Persecuted Majority bullshit. I'll call it an extra Yule gift for myself.

WARNING: This video is kinda explicit....but still awesome

2011-10-12T16:27:00.000-07:00

30 Seconds to Mars - Hurricane

I'm slightly obsessed with this band right now.....I might need an intervention soon.

MissRepresentation

2011-10-03T15:22:00.000-07:00

Miss Representation 8 min. Trailer 8/23/11 from Miss Representation on Vimeo.

Felt the need to spread the word!

She really is starting a lot of shit lately...

2011-10-01T18:13:00.000-07:00

So, I had been resisting the urge to go anywhere near Pinterest for a while now because I knew, I knew, if I did I would get sucked in and all addicted and stuff. So I resisted, and resisted, and when The Bloggess (arguably the BEST blogger in the cyber world) let it slip that she had a Pinterest page....I still resisted.

Until my best friend, Krystle, told me how awesome The Bloggess' (Bloggesses'? Bloggess's? whatever) Pinterest page was. Then I had to go look. And it was. Really, really awesome.

And I am completely and hopelessly addicted.

Damnit.

She kick-started our descent into becoming football crazed. She's almost solely responsible for the existence of this blog. She's a regular little shit-starter, that one.

Things to think about at 2am....

2011-09-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

So a little bit ago, I stumbled across this:

A map of the average penis sizes across the world.

And I noticed a trend that the larger penises were around the warmer climates, and it made me wonder; is it possible that, ancestrally, penises were kinda like goldfish? In that they grew according to the space available?

Look at the map. All the notoriously warmer climates like Central and South America and Africa are all varying shades of green while things get noticeably pinker the further north you go. So was the northerners need for warmer, more confining breeches similar to raising a goldfish into a little glass bowl? Whereas, the southerners, running around in what was basically a crotch curtain, have the aquatic equivalent of a goldfish raised in a pond?

#thingsthatmakeyougohmmmm

**This is not a scientific interpretation of this study. Obviously. I completely eliminated India and China from the information because I couldn't figure out what their problem was. Initially, I started to backtrack and say that maybe the greener countries were more sexually, um, free? (Hence the smattering of green up there in Europe) But then I remembered: India invented tantric sex. And have you seen some of the crazy shit that comes out of Japan??!**

These people simultaneously piss me off and scare the crap out of me.....

2011-09-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

Dominionist fuck wit describes newest fad in Christian "courtship" (read: human property exchange).

These types of beliefs are a lot wider spread than most people realize. Google "Dominionists", "Quiverfull", "Vision Forum", "Bill Gothard", and a plethora of others. Apparently, Sharia Law would look pretty good to these people as long as it's their holy book being imposed on everyone else.

You should also go read some of the stories on No Longer Quivering (where I first saw the blog inspiring link) for several examples of why this is a colossally bad idea.

Hallelujah!

2011-09-10T17:39:00.000-07:00


It's Fall!!

My favorite time of the year is upon us. I'm pulling out my boots, buying football shirts and hoodies, and eating soups and chowders. I love this time of year.

And the best part of Fall: Halloween.

I have the added bonus of being back in my hometown with all my friends and family for this year's Halloween. My oldest brother has made the really awesome decision to get married on Halloween Day, so I will finally have the excuse I need to pull my kids from school and expose them to the awesomeness that Halloween can be when it's not regulated and controlled within an inch of it's life.

I'm ridiculously excited about this.

I am hoping that now that Climax Baptist has a different preacher than the asshole that "banned" Halloween when I was a teenager, Climax's Halloweens are once again spectacular. I'm not holding my breath though, and I am totally willing to leave the city limits to find fun and debauchery for myself and my kiddos.

It would be the coolest thing ever if someone could find us a hayride to go on. That would ROCK!

Unfortunately, my hubs will spend this Fall apart from us. He has to go on a TDY for a while, so me and the boys will be holding down the fort. Everyone is full of sympathy and concern.....but really.....it's not going to be that different from when he's home now. His job ensures that we see him on the weekends and that's pretty much it. So, we'll miss him but we're gonna be fine.

It's my birthday!

2011-09-03T18:24:00.000-07:00

Today starts my last year of being "twenty-something". I'm completely cool with that. I'm looking forward to this year and what it might bring.

I realized recently that I actually miss being around people.

You read me right. Ms. "People Make Me Stabby" would actually like to have a social circle again.

Today, nothing would have been better than having a few drinks around a bonfire with a bunch of friends. (Although the cake that my husband made me was a very close runner up.)

I have a game plan though. And one of these days, this hermit caterpillar is going to be a social butterfly.

I used to wish I had a few trees in my yard; but after last night, I'm happy with my two sage bushes and morning glory vines.

2011-08-28T15:01:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Irene came through last night, uprooting hundreds of trees nearby, flooding the low-lying areas, and causing us to spend $200 that we didn't have in hurricane preparation. Luckily for us, our house (and neighborhood in general) survived the wind and rain without so much as a power outage.
The neighborhood next to us was not so lucky. Huge trees uprooted and fell over on cars, fences, and a couple roofs.

Hurricane Irene is responsible for 18 deaths across 8 states. (Yahoo!)

I count myself as particularly lucky that I could get my kids up and celebrate my youngest son's birthday today. We have no damage, no power outage, and we still have our lives. And while we breath a sigh of relief that Hurricane Irene "was overblown hype" and not nearly as bad as we thought it was going to be, the friends and family of those 18 people just lived through a nightmare they will never be able to forget.

Edited to Add: The death toll has now climbed to 38. (Yahoo!)

I forgot the funniest part

2011-08-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

My youngest son, Aidan, is slightly high-strung. He is absolutely convinced that the earthquake only hit the elementary school, and it had to be someone's fault. So he's adamant that he will not be going back in that building. And yesterday, while we were waiting outside to pick up the boys from school, the Vice Principal came up to the group to chat. Aidan turns my face to make me look at her, all the while slitting his little green eyes at her and making his angry face. When I asked him what his problem was, he said, "She made the building shake. She was standing in the hall when the building shook." LOL

I did my best to convince him that it was not her fault, that everywhere shook, not just the school. And that it was the ground that made everything shake. I'm not sure how convincing I was. We'll see if he continues to hold a grudge.

Sheesh, what a week

2011-08-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

This year, my two oldest are attending a brand new, state-of-the-art, elementary school. This place is kinda badass. It is huge. There's not a chalkboard in the entire building. Everything is done on smartboards, which is going to allow them to expand how they teach (which will be awesome for my oldest). They even have a rock climbing wall in the new gym! All in all, we're very excited about the new school year.

So Tuesday, I load up the kiddos, and we go to the official Ribbon-Cutting Ceremony followed by an Open House where we were able to meet their new teachers. There's no telling how many people were there. We were packed into that building like sardines. And since all but one of the grade levels are on the second floor, that's where the majority of us were..............when the earthquake hit.

Did I mention that they just finished building this building at the beginning of the summer?

Y'all, we thought that building was coming down. "Earthquake" never even entered my mind.

I had been talking to my son's second grade teacher at the building seemed to sway like a strong gust of wind hit it, and the teacher said, "I hate when tall buildings sway in the wind." And then it did it again, only stronger, and I said, "Yeah. That's not cool AT ALL." And then it started full-on shaking, and she got this panicked look on her face and was all, "I think we need to go."

My 3 year old, who was in the middle of getting a drink of water out of the fountain in her room, turned, spit his drink everywhere, and came running at me screaming. My older two turned white as sheets, and I pushed them out the door and down the stairs to the outside. People were yelling, kids were crying and screaming, and all I could think was, "Damn, I was really looking forward to them going to school here."

Needless to say, we all made it out of the building in one piece. People calmed down when they realized that the building wasn't collapsing under the weight of every family in the neighborhood. When word got around that it was an earthquake, there was a collective moment of "What the fuck?? An earthquake? Here??" and then people started filing back out to their cars and heading home.

**My husband, who works on the top floor of a 9-story building made mostly of glass, was also fine. Although much more shaken than we were.**

So, all in all, even though the West Coast is giggling hysterically at our major freak-out over a little 5.9 tremor, I have to say, we had a very stimulating day. Now I have to go pick up my kids and go buy hurricane supplies. Because apparently Mother Nature doesn't think our week has been exciting enough.

Annnndddddd.......we're back to our regular broadcasting

2011-08-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

I did not die...,my computer's ability to connect to the internet did. It was touch and go there for a bit, but this techno-geek guy that I am sleeping with (also known as my husband and father to my children) worked his magic and fixed my baby (also known as "my life support" and "my sole connection to the outside world") right up.

So I'm back. Just in time too. I'm sending my oldest two kiddos off to school again starting Wednesday, and I will have time and energy to focus on being better about posting random BS on here. I know y'all can't wait.

Until then, go see The Help.

Oh Stephen Colbert...how I love thee

2011-08-04T11:42:00.000-07:00

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

Operation Nymphomaniacal Orgyastic Abandon is now a GO ladies!! WooHoo!

That was the most exciting a Saturday night has been for me in a while.

2011-07-24T20:09:00.000-07:00

2am found me rolling out of bed and stumbling my way downstairs for some medicine to fend off a migraine. That alone is an adventure because I cannot see squat in the dark. No night vision whatsoever. But I made it down the stairs without maiming myself in the process, so I counted it as a success.

As I'm popping my pills, I realized that there is a very loud ruckus coming from outside at the front of my house. So I'm running around in my nightgown, peeking through all the windows, but I can't see what is making the noise to save my life.

So I head back up the stairs, turning on every light I come in contact with once I get into our room because I'm secretly hoping my husband will wake up and go check this out for me.....because I was scared, and really, "Checking out the shit that goes bump in the night" is like #3 on the "Shit you have to do when you are a husband" list. But alas, no such luck. I could drive a firetruck, sirens blaring, through our bedroom and hubs would just roll over and throw another pillow over his head.

I threw on some pajamas, head back downstairs, and out the front door. Still nothing. The sound is MUCH louder, and obviously coming from between our house and our neighbors' though, so I time my launch off the front porch when I know that the ONE sprinkler Housing Maintenance had installed was spraying my garage door instead of toward the lawn.

I land in the soggy grass........

....and immediately get shot across the chest by a sprinkler from our neighbor's yard.

Now let me tell you about these sprinklers. They are these little 2-inch black things that raise up out of the ground and rotate-spray on a timer. I knew about the one at the end of my driveway. I did not know about the 20 others they have scattered throughout the tiny, shared yard between our houses.

So, I run. And with every step, I'm shot by yet another fucking sprinkler. I feel like I'm caught in the crossfire of the least deadliest war zone ever (seriously! Who needs that many sprinklers?!). I was out there, at two o'clock in the morning ducking and dodging sprinklers like a mad woman, barefoot, soaking wet, and cussing up a storm.

When I finally make it through the maze of sprinklers, I find the source of the whole ruckus....a busted water pipe. It was trying to rip the gutter off the side of my house with sheer water pressure. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

I sprint back through the liquid obstacle course, stomp my way upstairs, change my wet clothes and dry off, cut off all the lights, and get back into bed.

Hubby never even rolled over.

Deadwood

2011-07-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

Television Without Pity is my absolutely FAVORITE place to go catch up on shows that I watch regularly but I missed an episode, don't watch anymore and just want to find out what happened in a particular storyline, or just want to relive. They have delightfully snarky recappers, and I can't tell you how many times I've laughed until I've cried over their interpretation of the events on some of my favorite shows.

Recently, I found out that they have been recapping "Game of Thrones", which is an HBO series that recently aired its Season 1 finale. It's really good, and has stuck very closely to the books that it is adapted from (I'm on Book 3 of this series right now, and it is excellent!). Peter Dinklage STEALS the show with his portrayal of Tyrion Lannister. If you have HBO, and you haven't yet, you should check this show out.

And pray that HBO doesn't pull a Deadwood on it.

You see, while I was reading recaps of Game of Thrones, I also found TWoP's old recaps of Deadwood. Pretty soon, I was furious all over again at the cancellation of this fucking amazing show after only 3 short seasons, and right before the climax of an extremely pivotal storyline.

Deadwood might have been the best television show I've ever seen. And I watch a lot of the boob tube, folks. The writing, the acting, the cinematography, the minimal soundtrack......it was all superb. But oh my god.....the acting. Ian McShane, Paula Malcolmson, Timothy Olyphant, Molly Parker, Robin Weigert....hell, every single cast member brought everything they had to to every single episode. The end results were mesmerizing.

A lot of people had qualms about the foul language, but it was the language of the time that the show was set in. And once you immersed yourself in the vernacular, you really got the amazing flow and poetry of it all. Deadwood helped me improve my vocabulary at least once a show.....and I'm not just talking about how to slip a well-placed "cocksucker" into my daily conversations. (Although that did come in pretty handy too.)

HBO couldn't have made a bigger mistake by pulling this show. And for what?? Shows like Entourage? Not to mention Hung? Or In Treatment? It's baffling.

I'm not sure if you can tell or not, but I really miss Deadwood. And despite its untimely demise, you should check it out.

The Male Privilege Checklist

2011-07-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

This was posted in a debate group that I frequent online. Given its accuracy, I thought I would pass it along.

The Male Privilege Checklist:

1. My odds of being hired for a job, when competing against female applicants, are probably skewed in my favor. The more prestigious the job, the larger the odds are skewed.

2. I can be confident that my co-workers won’t think I got my job because of my sex – even though that might be true. (More).

3. If I am never promoted, it’s not because of my sex.

4. If I fail in my job or career, I can feel sure this won’t be seen as a black mark against my entire sex’s capabilities.

5. I am far less likely to face sexual harassment at work than my female co-workers are. (More).

6. If I do the same task as a woman, and if the measurement is at all subjective, chances are people will think I did a better job.

7. If I’m a teen or adult, and if I can stay out of prison, my odds of being raped are relatively low. (More).

8. On average, I am taught to fear walking alone after dark in average public spaces much less than my female counterparts are.

9. If I choose not to have children, my masculinity will not be called into question.

10. If I have children but do not provide primary care for them, my masculinity will not be called into question.

11. If I have children and provide primary care for them, I’ll be praised for extraordinary parenting if I’m even marginally competent. (More).

12. If I have children and a career, no one will think I’m selfish for not staying at home.

13. If I seek political office, my relationship with my children, or who I hire to take care of them, will probably not be scrutinized by the press.

14. My elected representatives are mostly people of my own sex. The more prestigious and powerful the elected position, the more this is true.

15. When I ask to see “the person in charge,” odds are I will face a person of my own sex. The higher-up in the organization the person is, the surer I can be.

16. As a child, chances are I was encouraged to be more active and outgoing than my sisters. (More).

17. As a child, I could choose from an almost infinite variety of children’s media featuring positive, active, non-stereotyped heroes of my own sex. I never had to look for it; male protagonists were (and are) the default.

18. As a child, chances are I got more teacher attention than girls who raised their hands just as often. (More).

19. If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether or not it has sexist overtones.

20. I can turn on the television or glance at the front page of the newspaper and see people of my own sex widely represented.

21. If I’m careless with my financial affairs it won’t be attributed to my sex.

22. If I’m careless with my driving it won’t be attributed to my sex.

23. I can speak in public to a large group without putting my sex on trial.

24. Even if I sleep with a lot of women, there is no chance that I will be seriously labeled a “slut,” nor is there any male counterpart to “slut-bashing.” (More).

25. I do not have to worry about the message my wardrobe sends about my sexual availability. (More).

26. My clothing is typically less expensive and better-constructed than women’s clothing for the same social status. While I have fewer options, my clothes will probably fit better than a woman’s without tailoring. (More).

27. The grooming regimen expected of me is relatively cheap and consumes little time. (More).

28. If I buy a new car, chances are I’ll be offered a better price than a woman buying the same car. (More).

29. If I’m not conventionally attractive, the disadvantages are relatively small and easy to ignore.

30. I can be loud with no fear of being called a shrew. I can be aggressive with no fear of being called a bitch.

31. I can ask for legal protection from violence that happens mostly to men without being seen as a selfish special interest, since that kind of violence is called “crime” and is a general social concern. (Violence that happens mostly to women is usually called “domestic violence” or “acquaintance rape,” and is seen as a special interest issue.)

32. I can be confident that the ordinary language of day-to-day existence will always include my sex. “All men are created equal,” mailman, chairman, freshman, he.

33. My ability to make important decisions and my capability in general will never be questioned depending on what time of the month it is.

34. I will never be expected to change my name upon marriage or questioned if I don’t change my name.

35. The decision to hire me will not be based on assumptions about whether or not I might choose to have a family sometime soon.

36. Every major religion in the world is led primarily by people of my own sex. Even God, in most major religions, is pictured as male.

37. Most major religions argue that I should be the head of my household, while my wife and children should be subservient to me.

38. If I have a wife or live-in girlfriend, chances are we’ll divide up household chores so that she does most of the labor, and in particular the most repetitive and unrewarding tasks. (More).

39. If I have children with my girlfriend or wife, I can expect her to do most of the basic childcare such as changing diapers and feeding.

40. If I have children with my wife or girlfriend, and it turns out that one of us needs to make career sacrifices to raise the kids, chances are we’ll both assume the career sacrificed should be hers.

41. Assuming I am heterosexual, magazines, billboards, television, movies, pornography, and virtually all of media is filled with images of scantily-clad women intended to appeal to me sexually. Such images of men exist, but are rarer.

42. In general, I am under much less pressure to be thin than my female counterparts are. (More). If I am fat, I probably suffer fewer social and economic consequences for being fat than fat women do. (More).

43. If I am heterosexual, it’s incredibly unlikely that I’ll ever be beaten up by a spouse or lover. (More).

44. Complete strangers generally do not walk up to me on the street and tell me to “smile.” (More: 1 2).

45. Sexual harassment on the street virtually never happens to me. I do not need to plot my movements through public space in order to avoid being sexually harassed, or to mitigate sexual harassment. (More.)

45. On average, I am not interrupted by women as often as women are interrupted by men.

46. I have the privilege of being unaware of my male privilege.

(Compiled by Barry Deutsch, aka “Ampersand.” Permission is granted to reproduce this list in any way, for any purpose, so long as the acknowledgment of Peggy McIntosh’s work is not removed. If possible, I’d appreciate it if folks who use it would tell me how they used it; my email is barry-at-amptoons-dot-com.)
(This is a continually updated document; the most current version of The Male Privilege Checklist can always be found at amptoons.com/blog/the-male-privilege-checklist . To see posts discussing the Male Privilege Checklist and various items on it, please visit this archive page).
http://www.amptoons.com/blog/the-male-privilege-checklist/

The author of the list notes that it is U.S. centric so please keep that in mind.

Bridesmaids

2011-07-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

Bridesmaids:

This movie was absolutely hilarious. I had had a few misgivings about it....mainly because it seemed to really promote the gross physical comedy (think: vomiting, acting obnoxious, and Jim Carrey-esque type stuff) over everything else in order to bring in the guys and compete as "The Hangover for Chicks".....and there were a couple of those scenes in the movie.....and they were hilarious. The scene for the dress fitting was horrifically funny.

I cannot stress how funny Kristen Wiig is. And she flows from hilarious to completely serious so seamlessly. Her stints on Saturday Night Live were very hit and miss, but her movie roles have been great.

The weakest link in the cast, IMO, was Rose Byrne. Generally, I enjoy Byrne's performances. She's is a very good dramatic actor. But comedy seems a little forced on her. She also had a small comedic role in Get Him to the Greek that I watched recently, and both that role and her role in Bridesmaids seemed very wooden to me. Luckily, the stuff she was given in Bridesmaids was good enough that it didn't need her to be especially good to pull it off.

*Newer Actor To Watch*


He's funny.....and Irish!!

Super 8

2011-07-15T14:11:00.000-07:00

I found out the other day that if you go to the theater before noon, you pay the Early Bird special of only $6...which is pretty awesome nowadays, even if it was what I used to pay for regular price when I first got my license and no longer had to rely on my mother to take me to the theater. (She hates going to the movies....I think maybe I was adopted.) I am excited about this because I often wait until a movie comes to our base theater before I see it because the tickets are so much cheaper, but I really wanted to see Super 8 in the Cinemark. (Our base theater is, um, less than spectacular. Just a tiny screen at the back of a stage in an auditorium with theater chairs in it.)

I really enjoyed this movie. Think E.T.....if ET had looked a little bit like the deformed love-child of Alien and Predator and ran around digging tunnels and eating people while telepathically whining about how he's just really freaked out and wants to go home.

Snarkiness aside, it really was a good movie. All of the kids acted really well (not that I was expecting any less from Dakota Fanning's little sister, Elle) and the story never dragged or stopped pulling on your heart strings. (Yes, I have heart strings. They're just tiny and hard to find.) And I always enjoy seeing Kyle Chandler on screen.


He's very sexy in that whole "Hot for Teacher" way.

Although JJ Abrams is the writer and director of this movie - and you can tell by the scarier side of it - you can still feel the Steven Spielberg effect all over it. He does these types of boy coming of age by way of huge events movies very well.

The Hangover II and Bad Teacher

2011-07-14T15:59:00.000-07:00

The Hangover II:

I'm a little ashamed to admit that I like this movie. (And the first one) But I do. I know, I know, it's raunchy and over-the-top, and it has Zach Galifi-gobblitygook in it.....which would normally get it an eye-roll and an exasperated sigh from me. But apparently this movie either has just the right combination of humor, raunch, and Bradley Cooper to entertain me.........or living in a house with four guys has severely damaged by sense of humor. Maybe a little of both?

I still really dislike Zach Galificky-doo-dah-day, though.

I really like the friendship between Stu and Phil. I think that the next installment should be them teaming up to purposely leave Alan somewhere remote and scary. How many times does it take for someone to drug you before you sell them to the Thai sex slavers?

And can I just say, these guys have amazingly passive wives/fiancees.

Speaking of wives, I would like to take this moment to express my sympathy to Ken Jeong's. Wow. My husband laughingly told me that Mr. Chow's penis looked more like a nipple than anything........and he was right. Holy Crap. It was small enough that he could very well slip and poke her in the pee hole. (Yes, I know it's technically called the urethra, ok?)

Bad Teacher:

Apparently, I am in the mood for raunchy movies lately. This movie had a lot of potential. I really wanted to like it. And I guess it was alright, but I wouldn't tell anyone else to waste money for a theater ticket to see it. (I'm really glad that I wasted the money though, because there was a guy behind me who kept a running commentary through the whole flick, and he was hilarious!!) There were several really funny scenes, but there were several more scenes where they just tried so hard that it fell really flat.

Justin Timberlake's character was just weird. Not funny at all. Which was disappointing, because I know that he can be really funny. Jason Segel was absolutely the best thing about this movie. I just wish he would have had more screen time. Cameron Dias delivered as best she could with what she was given.

The dry humping scene was just strange.

Black Death and Centurion

2011-07-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

I can't quite justify the expense of going to the movie theater every day...although it would be lovely if I could. But Netflix and Netflix Instant have helped me fill the time between theater visits rather nicely. The other day, I decided to stay home and watch a double header: Black Death and Centurion.

Black Death:

I had high hopes for this one. I adore Sean Bean and am interested in seeing Eddie Redmayne in more things. But this movie just didn't do it for me at all. Furthermore, it is labeled as "horror" and this cowardly lion didn't have to look away even once. I've been more scared watching the Scary Movie parodies.

General synopsis (since this movie was not widely promoted): A monk (Eddie Redmayne) joins a group of fighters to investigate a small isolated village that has not yet been touched by the plague even though "the black death" has raged throughout the rest of the countryside. The villagers are suspected of using witchcraft and necromancy to keep the plague at bay. The knight leading the party (Sean Bean) is an extremely devout man who has reason to believe the rumors and plans on bringing God's justice to the village.

The trip to the village is long, and drawn out. Once they get to the village the story picks up, but ends up rushing through in order to fit everything in. And the ending is a serious, serious letdown. Also; SPOILER ALERT:

Sean Bean's character dies....horrifically.......again. Seriously, do director's specifically hire him to die? Do they change the story once the realize that Sean Bean has signed on so that his character dies in a horrible fashion?? It's getting a bit ridiculous at this point. It's easier to count the number of movies he hasn't been killed in, and I'm kinda shocked that the director of Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief didn't change the script to have Poseidon shiv Zeus in the back while he was caught in a moment of distraction. The Many Deaths of Sean Bean article at GeekSpeek called him the "'two-legged spoiler' because he always gets killed".

Now, on to the much better, IMO, Centurion:

Short synopsis: After a large legion of Roman soldiers is wiped out during a Pictish attack, the small group of survivors has to outsmart and outrun their pursuers back to the Roman base.

This is a much more complex, well drawn out story. While the main character (Centurion Quintas Dias played by Michael Fassbender) grabs and holds your loyalty right from the start, I found myself hating and sympathizing with both the Romans and the Picts. The Roman general was portrayed as a good man and a strong, compassionate leader. The Pictish protagonist, Etain, is a strong, smart woman who survived her family being butchered while she was raped and had her tongue cut out at the hands of the Roman invaders. The lengths at which the Romans and the Picts go to in order to hurt the others are barbaric, and they twist the people who carry out the acts as well as the victims.

Only two people get a happy ending in this movie. But only after a hell of a lot of wrong is done to them by the Picts and the Romans.

As Promised.....

2011-07-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

I am posting a ton of movie reviews in the next few days. I have spent the last week in an awesome relaxed state - reading, watching movies, and catching up on some shows that I missed while I was gone.


Yay True Blood!!

So, for today's post, let's start with The Green Lantern:

I have to say, this is definitely not the blockbuster of the summer....or even the month of June. But it was decent. It had good actors, and a semi-decent, ordinary guy turns reluctant superhero and saves the ~~earth~~ universe story. The second best thing about this movies was that it didn't drag itself out. Lasting only 114 minutes, it opened, told its story, and ended and at no point did I sit there and think "Jeez, would this just freaking end already?!"


The first best thing about this movie.....

There was a lot of CGI, tons of weird aliens (one of which was voiced by one of my favs - Geoffrey Rush), and the prerequisite hot chick love interest. It also had Tim Robbins playing an asshole senator and father to the scientist turned bad guy character played by Peter Sarsgaard.

Evil was not good to this poor man.

My boys really enjoyed this movie, as they do any movie with a superhero theme. They are already asking for it on DVD, so I'm sure my opinion of this movie will greatly decrease after the 500,382,303,208 time we watch it. I might even get tired of seeing Ryan Reynolds levitate in a pair of white Lycra boxer briefs.....

......Nah

I'm back!

2011-07-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

We had a long vacation down South. Dropped the boys off at their grandma's on my way back up, so I'm now reveling in pure, joyful SILENCE. It a glorious thing, y'all.

I went to a Barnes and Noble today and spent two whole hours perusing the aisles, making a wishlist, reading, and buying two more books for my library. I haven't done that since high school. I was in bookworm heaven.

Then I drove around for a while, singing at the top of my lungs.

All of the dirty songs that I don't let the boys listen to because they have that annoying habit of repeating sexually explicit lyrics at really bad times and in inappropriate places........like school.

So overall - it was an excellent day.

And it followed a really nice weekend.

For the 4th of July, the hubs and I went to see "Bad Teacher" (it was "meh"...Jason Segal was the best part of the movie. There were several funny scenes but they were interrupted by a lot more really stupid ones. See: dry humping scene.), hit up a BBQ with our neighbors, and then went to check out the fireworks on base. It was very nice.

I'll probably have a few more movie reviews before too long. I've got some catching up to do.

It's that time again....

2011-06-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day of school for my boys. Summertime is officially upon me.

I'm looking forward to the break in routine, the flexibility of schedule, and the family trips that we always take during the summer, getting to spend some time with my kids that doesn't involve school work or preparation for the next school day, swimming, camping, and most of all; my week and a half to myself that I will be getting in July.

I'm not looking forward to the increase in grocery bills, the fact that the kids get up two hours earlier when they don't have school (even though I have to drag them out of their beds kicking and screaming at 8 o'clock when they do), and the increase in tension and throw-down brawls we have when all four of us are in close quarters for a longer period of time then, say.........10 minutes.

Also, this is shaping up to be a ridiculously hot summer. So. If you happen to drive by my house, and I'm in my swimsuit laid out in my kids' blow-up pool....................don't judge me.

X-Men: First Class

2011-06-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

Saturday, my middle son and I were at each others throats. We could barely stand to be in the same room together for some reason. So after about our fourth or fifth go-round, I was at my wit's end and my husband decided that he would step in and save my kid's life by sending me out for some "me time".

So I went to the movies.

I originally wanted to see Bridesmaids, but it was sold out for that time period....so I opted for X-Men: First Class.

**This review is made by a person who has NOT read any of the comics, and is going completely off the movies.**

It was GOOD. Officially my favorite out of the series. Kevin Bacon starred as the bad guy, and he does evil, cold, and hell-bent on taking over the world really well. James McAvoy really nails it as a young, brilliant, and incredibly naive Charles Xavier. And Michael Fassbender also brings the rage and pain of a young Erik still reeling from the terrible things done to him and his family in Nazi Germany.

It explains so many things from the series; Erik and Charles' friend/enemy relationship and how it all got started, exactly what turned Erik into such a hardass to begin with, how Charles ended up in the wheelchair. There were also many surprising relationships that I wouldn't have guessed at based on the other movies.

There's obviously some continuity problems that might irk others. I've noted a few just watching the Wolverine Origins movie since Saturday, but I don't think they are going to bother me in the long run.


It helps that this guy was REALLY hot as pissed off, intense Erik.

I think this movie is worth the price of at least a matinee ticket. For no other reason than the scene where Magneto pulls the submarine out of the water should be viewed on the big screen at least once.

So cool

2011-06-03T05:42:00.000-07:00

Someone Googled "massive outbreak of stupidity" and it led them to my blog. That is awesome! LOL

Someone else Googled "www.brucewillis ass photo.com" and got my blog......I bet they were supremely disappointed. Sorry weird person who was looking for a picture of Bruce Willis' ass.

But seriously......why?

There's a good chance that my friends are trying to see if I'll turn green and explode out of my clothes like the Hulk....

2011-06-02T16:21:00.000-07:00

Nigerian baby factory raided: 32 teenage girls freed.

These girls were being held and forced to produce babies so that the "proprietor" could sell them trafficking agencies, illegal adoption agencies, and to people for.....get this.....black magic rituals.

FFS.

I don't even have the words for this, folks.

Google is your friend

2011-05-29T19:17:00.000-07:00

Google might be one of the most amazing inventions in the world. I love it so. I love that pretty much any knowledge I wish to seek out is just a well-worded question away. And I love how Google even seems to know what the hell I'm talking about when I give in to my frustration and tap out "WHAT IS THAT AMAZING SONG ON SHREK THE THIRD?!"

Google just nods the massive cyber head and holds all its wisdom and points me to a message board where countless other mothers who have been forced to watch the Shrek movies thirteen trillion times have CAP-LOCKED that same question and someone else has answered them in a snarky and slightly condescending tone: (I'm paraphrasing)

"Obviously you live under a sound-proof rock, or you would have known that that song is 9 Crimes by Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan....although I will stoop to share your frustration that whatever dumbass was in charge of putting together the soundtrack left out one of the best and most important songs in the movie."

*sigh*

Thank you Google. And you, condescending musical guru. That song has been haunting me for about 5 years now.

SIDENOTE: That might be one of the weirdest music videos I've ever seen. Seriously. WTF? You'd think he'd take better care of his new floating head.

I just saw Bruce Willis' ass....

2011-05-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

Not that that has anything to do with this post....but I needed a title and that one definitely works.

Sorry, it's hot, my brain has clicked into a zombie-like survival mode until my body can acclimate itself to the heat. So I will entertain you with this....it's an oldie, but a goodie by two of my favorites: Garfunkel and Oates.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

2011-05-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

For the last two weeks, my children have been obsessing over three different countdowns:


The countdown for the end of school.....


The countdown to Kung Fu Panda 2.......


And the countdown for Pirates of the Caribbean 4......


Alright, alright...I was counting down to this one too.

All of ~~our~~ their obsessing has finally come to fruition. Yesterday, we snuck out of a school picnic early so we could hit the matinee showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. And it was worth the wait. It did not have Will and Elizabeth....but it had mermaids, zombies, and best of all: Blackbeard.


He's a bad, bad man. :)

(I'm pretty sure I've mentioned my insane love for Ian McShane's voice here before......if you missed it, check out this post: Shhhh....I'm listening the sound of Ian McShane's voice rumbling in my head)

This director even got Dame Judi Dench to stage a cameo! She's another one of those people with a truly amazing voice. I'm very in awe of her.

A lot of people have mentioned that they are disappointed that Will and Elizabeth are not in this installment, but to be honest, neither me nor my hubby missed them. Their story was concluded in the third movie, and there was enough going on in this movie that their absence wasn't even noted.

The chemistry between Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz was very good. I liked her role as Angelica...Blackbeard's long-lost daughter who is desperately trying to thwart fate and keep him alive and with her. (He's completely behind this plan, btw). She has a history with Jack and their back-and-forth is pretty humorous.

This movie has much more of the feel and span of The Curse of the Black Pearl, rather than the epic feel of At World's End. But it's good, and worth the watch. And, as with all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, stay for the clip at the end. It's not especially important, but it's good for a chuckle.

You were......wonderful. Yeah, wonderful.

2011-05-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my family and I packed up and headed to our two oldest sons' hot, stinky elementary school gym to watch our oldest son play in his first concert. (He plays the cello....for now.)

The proud mother in me wants go on and on about how wonderful it was, but the proud mother in me would be lying.

Don't get me wrong, I'm super proud of my son. He's one of only two cellists in the band. He's only played for half the school year, and he can read his sheet music and pick out songs by ear. Unfortunately, because there are only two cellists in the band...most of the music the teacher chose didn't even have parts for them. He got to play two short songs, and then had to sit back and let all the other musicians play all the big fun songs. Third graders were only allowed to choose between the violin and the cello.....knowing my sanity couldn't handle the sound of an 8 year old learning the violin, I steered him toward the cello. Next year, he plans to switch to the saxophone, and he wants a guitar for his birthday.

All that being said......I was FAR from the only parent in that gym wincing in pain when the band started playing. LOL. I am always highly amused by the plastered on half-smile and the glazed, zombie eyed look of parents who are being held hostage in torturous situations by their love and pride for their children.

At the end of the day, I'm glad my son has the opportunity to play and learn about music. He loves it and it makes him more confident and better-rounded. So sitting through horrible elementary school band concerts with a smile plastered on my face while I secretly play Spades on my phone is a small price to pay.

What, what?! It's only Wednesday?!?!

2011-05-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or is this week dragging it's ass?

I haven't posted in a while. I've had a lot of visitors, a lot of family drama mixed in with several exemplary acts of stupidity that make me question my genetic makeup. Add on to that a sick kid, and I have been all too willing to lose myself in a book.


My husband has enabled my ~~addiction~~ distraction by giving me one of these for Mother's Day. YAY!

Excessive book reading aside, I'm in a funk. I feel almost like I'm withdrawing from society. Right now, I could be perfectly happy spending a few weeks on a deserted island or out in the woods by myself. I haven't picked up my computer in days...and even then it's only to check for something specific. Yesterday was the first time in a couple weeks that I actually looked at the news and browsed my regular sites.

I'm soooo looking forward to summer. Not the heat....I'm definitely not looking forward to it getting hotter than it already is. But I'm ready to shed this school time routine for a little bit. I hope that will pull me out of my "blah-ness". I had made several "first summer in Maryland" plans that got squashed when Hubby was shifted to his new job instead of the one he was supposed to get. But with a little planning, they might be doable next year and there is still several things me and the kiddos can get into around here.

Plus, I have a nine year old's birthday party to plan.

Invisible Mother

2011-05-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?, What's for dinner?'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devoured - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.

No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'

Happy Mother's Day!

Heartsick

2011-05-07T10:37:00.000-07:00

One of my friend's from back home is experiencing something that absolutely no parent should ever have to experience.....the loss of her two-year old daughter.

I never met her little girl. I've seen her pictures. She was absolutely beautiful. She looked a lot like her mother, and if she had even a quarter of her mother's personality, spunk, and optimism, then this world has lost something precious and rare and we are all worse off for it.

I can't begin to imagine what my friend going through. I just can't. I look at my precious babies and the thought of life without one of them instantly makes me physically ill. My friend is living that reality now, and I wish there was something that I, or anyone, could do to alleviate the devastation she must feel. I hope that the outpouring of love and support that is coming from everyone who knows them will provide at least a little comfort to the family in the time to come.

Tina Fey's "Mother's Prayer for her Children"

2011-05-06T13:42:00.000-07:00

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

Via: Bossypants
(Which I desperately want to read)

India's disturbing "girl" problem

2011-05-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

This morning, my BFF sent me this link: Despite rapid growth, India lets its girls die.


She knows that nothing wakes me up like a little righteous indignation with my morning coffee.

I'm not sure when the knowledge of just how little the vast majority of the world thinks of women will stop shocking and infuriating me. I mean, we're only half of the population......the gender responsible for carrying, nurturing, and delivering the entire population.....we're only your mothers, sisters, daughters.

By all means, India (and I'm sure several other countries not named in this article), let's starve girls to death after the government tells you you can't abort them. Preserve your archaic, illogical, and cruel culture at any cost. Coming together to eliminate the unjust dowry system and other illogical societal norms so that your daughters can live and your sons can benefit from everything women have to offer is just a nonsensical idea posited by evil, liberal feminazis bent on destroying your way of life.

/snark

And is outlawing informing the expectant parents of the sex of their unborn child really the way to go here?? If these people are willing to starve their daughter to death in lieu of getting the abortion they'd prefer, dear god, let them get the fucking abortion!!! Saving that poor child from the pain and suffering of starvation is much more humane.

Indian government, while your busy outlawing stuff.....how about outlawing the dowry's? And actually enforcing the laws. That would go much further than trying to force your people to have daughters in a system that punishes them for the bad luck of having a faster swimming x chromosome. I would think that it would be worth the cost of a special task force specifically to shut down these practices so that you don't end up like China. (See: Chinese Bias for Baby Boys Creates a Gap of 32 Million)

One last thing India, when you kill enough of your girls, your beloved culture is going to come to a screeching halt. If you don't produce enough girls to marry into your system, you won't be able to sustain it. The majority of other cultures are not going to pay your sons to marry their daughters.

BREAKING: Osama Bin Laden's Death Causes Massive Stupidity Outbreak on Facebook

2011-05-02T20:34:00.000-07:00

First off, I'm just going to take a moment here to appreciate the justice served by Osama Bin Laden's death.

........

Now I'm going to take another moment to breathe deeply and relax so that I don't do something rash - like mass delete 3/4 of my Facebook friends list - because apparently even more of my friends and family are racist, completely ignorant of our political process, unreasonable, or some combination of those three things, than I originally realized.

But wow....Osama's death really brought the crazy.

I'm quite used to a few of these peoples' inane ramblings.....generally about shit they know absolutely nothing about....but the sheer number of folks posting about Obama being sad that Osama died, hoping that he was shot next, having a fit because this is going to go down in history as an achievement for his presidency. Wow.

I have to say though, I find it maddeningly ironic that the same people having a fit about Obama getting credit for Osama's death are the very same people that insist on Obama taking the blame for the House of Representatives being entitled jackasses about the national budget.

*sigh* I'm going to go spend some time on my favorite political board. Where even if we don't agree politically, at least the conservatives there actually understand political process and form coherent arguments.

Fast Five

2011-04-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I'm home from my Spring Break vacation. We went to my dad's and then down to my hometown. We had a ton of fun. I was reminded of why I miss it (great get-togethers with my friends and family) and why I will never move back (the heat, the heat, mosquitoes, the heat, a couple random people that I would be perfectly happy if they went cliff driving during low tide.......did I mention the heat?). So now I'm working overtime on my master plan to kidnap as many of my near and dear ones and force them to relocate closer to me.

For our trip home, I scored two house guests. My granny and her dog. She's come up to spend some time with me and the boys and to tour Washington DC as much as possible. So, with her help, me and the hubs got to go out on a date last night. YAY!!

And because my husband and I are predictable like that....we went to dinner and a movie.

Dinner was delicious. Somehow, in my entire life of living near good seafood and loving shrimp, I completely missed out on grilled shrimp. How did that happen? I'm so upset that I've missed out on so many years of eating my new favorite food.

After educating my palate, we hurried back to the late showing of Fast Five.

Vin Diesel......*drool*
The Rock....with a goatee.......*drool*
Vin Diesel's voice............*double drool*

The movie was great. It wasn't as much of a racing movie as the first (and third) installments; but it was much more about the characters and developing their story. I didn't leave with an overwhelming need to street-race on the way home, but I definitely left glad that we choose to watch that movie.

Plus it had The Rock, bulked up bigger than I've seen him in a very long time, with a goatee.

And Vin Diesel.

All that comes together to equal fun for the boys AND that girls. Yay!

HELPFUL HINT: When you go watch the movie, stay until after the credits are over. They left a little clip for you at the end.

Things I learned on my trip to my dad's house

2011-04-17T11:50:00.001-07:00

1- It takes 4 1/2 hours to get from Washington DC to Quantico Marine Base if you never go over 25 mph.

2- If you drive fast enough when it's raining, you don't need to use windshield wipers.

3- I have approximately 8 hours worth of songs that start with the letter "L" on my iPod.

4- If the Christian nutjobs are right and I'm going to hell, I'm pretty sure I will have to constantly relive that drive over and over again for eternity.

Wow

2011-04-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

Apparently my sons' elementary school has a seedy underbelly of prolific anabolic steroid use.

This was hanging front and center in their gym this afternoon.


This definitely wasn't in the community brochure.

But now I'm starting to really question why my oldest son has grown 3 sizes in the past year. Do prepubescent 'roiders need rehab?

I'm going to volunteer myself to be cloned

2011-04-13T18:14:00.000-07:00

I think having more than one of me around would be very very helpful....but only if we could somehow mystically share one brain.

Like, Clone One - Go finish the laundry. Clone Two - Finish reading this book. Clone Three - Go pick up the boys from school. Clone Four - Make sure that The Tyrant stays in bed and takes his nap. Original Me - Go to the movies.

Then we'd all break off to do our assignments and when we come back together all the thoughts, information, and memories each of us produced while on our assignments would meld together into one collective consciousness that we all share.

It be awesome.

But I figure I'll either become a complete recluse, happy in my own company, or I'll hate all myselfs after two weeks.

Is it against the law to kill your own clone?

Uh-mazing!

2011-04-10T21:01:00.000-07:00

Today, I went to see Cirque du Soleil's "Totem" in Baltimore.

It was absolutely fantastic!

Everything was wonderful, but the acts that stood out the most to me were the Native American skating acrobats, the Native American Hoop Dancer, and the trapeze "Love Birds".

And I'm a little shocked that my husband didn't immediately leave me to go be the juggling Russian twins' groupie. This chick, times 2.

I think when we roll through Vegas, we should try to hit up the Zumanity show.......

Cirque du Soleil's 18 and Over show....acrobatic burlesque. Awesome!

This is bullshit

2011-04-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

There is a good chance that we are only going to pull in half a paycheck on the 15th. All because some douchebags in Congress are willing to shut down the government in order to cut funding to Planned Parenthood and other family planning and women's health clinics, which provides many necessary services to many, many women.

Despite the fact that cutting the funding to these clinics will ultimately cost the government MUCH MUCH MORE than it will save. These clinics specialize in providing low-income women with check-ups, exams, pap smears, STD testing, and birth control. If these low income women aren't able to afford these services without the help of these clinics....how are they going to afford the unplanned pregnancies, children, diseases, and subsequent medical care that stems from having no access to regular women's health services?

They aren't....and the government will end up footing the bill.

But these fucktards are so invested in imposing their morality on the rest of the world that they are willing to screw over a large portion of the population (ie. the military, government workers, and anyone who will need to utilize any of the government services) so that they can exert some kind of control over women and their bodies.

I think Chloe over at Feministing put it best:

A citizen’s health is not a bargaining chip. A citizen’s health is not a political football. Unless, apparently, that citizen happens to be a woman, in which case, bargain and play ball. We’re only 51% of the population. We’re only responsible for gestating the next generation of Americans, so we don’t really need to be healthy. We’re only women, right, so who the fuck cares?

No, really, I wasn’t asking that rhetorically. Who the fuck cares? I sure as hell hope the Democrats do.

Unfortunately, I don't have a whole lot of hope that they do. It's been proven time and time again that women's rights and health are ALWAYS on the table if it's politically convenient.

Ooohhhh

2011-04-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

I want to see this!

What can I say...there's not a lot going on here.

2011-04-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

I know I watch a lot of movies. But really....books and movies are my only hobbies right now. Personally, I think they are pretty damn good ones. At least I won't be saddling my kids with some ginormous (and completely useless) rock collection when I die.

The other night I watched a movie called Chloe....


Basically, it's a tamer, lesbian version of Fatal Attraction.

It was good. Julianne Moore's character has an extremely flirtatious husband (played by Liam Neeson) and she comes across reasons to believe that he is cheating on her.....soooo, she does what any sane woman would do. Hire a prostitute to come onto him to see if he is willing to sleep with her...then sleep with said prostitute to get back at him. What could possibly go wrong in this scenario?


"You are so lucky that you don't have a rabbit I can boil."

I also watched "Brothers" with Natalie Portman, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Tobey Maguire. It was an excellent, and very heartbreaking,story about a Marine and his family. He goes to Afghanistan, where his helicopter is shot down. The military tells his family that he is dead, but he actually was taken prisoner, tortured, starved and made to do incredibly horrible things until he is rescued. When he comes home, reintegrating with his family that he thinks has moved on from him proves to be more than he can handle. It's a seriously heartbreaking movie.

Both of these movies are on Netflix Instant Streaming, if you are interested.

Kid shows I absolutely loathe....

2011-04-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting here with my three year old watching Caillou....which is one of the more moderately annoying cartoons on television. While I prefer Dora the Explorer, Go Diego Go, or Mrs. Spider's Sunny Patch, I will take unrealistically happy parents parenting an amazingly whiny kid over these shows any day of the week.

CHOWDER


This show is not just annoying....it's down-right STUPID. I banned my boys from watching it after seeing an episode where Chowder, his best friend, and his mentor are accidentally locked in a tower...where they proceed to drown themselves in their own pee. WTF?

YO GABBA GABBA


Those are the eyes of a man who has hit rock bottom.

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS


Really, who comes up with this ridiculous crap? Every single character on this show is mind-numbingly annoying. Every. Single. One.

TELETUBBIES


None of them. Thank god. Because I would shoot myself.

And I saved this for last, because it's not a show, it's a movie. If by movie you mean horrible, screeching teenager (pre-teenager?) who records his crapfest on film to torture the rest of the world with.

My kids and husband love it. It makes me want to gauge my eardrums out with an ice pick.

*Sigh* I long for the days of He-Man and She-Ra.

Why is this so hard to understand?

2011-04-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

Today, one of my favorite feminist writers, Jessica Valenti, posted a link to her most recent "The Daily" article on Facebook. Entitled "Daddy Issues", this article explains how until our culture stops treating parenting as 'women's work' and holding fathers to a much lower standard than mothers, we will never have a society where truly responsible parenthood is embraced by men.

Everyone should read it.

I've known a lot fathers. I've known a few men (and women) who shouldn't be allowed near the children they've helped conceive. But I've known far more men who were good guys, but mediocre to down right crappy fathers...and the vast majority of those fathers thought that they were good - even great - dads. And furthermore, they were never called on their mediocrity by their family or friends. In fact, they were generally lauded as good fathers just simply because they spent any amount of time with their children at all.

This, in my humble opinion, is complete and total crap.

Changing diapers, bathing and dressing children, feeding them, taking them to doctor's and dental appointments, volunteering at their schools, helping them with homework, teaching them the thousands of things that they need to know in order to live and be happy in this world......all of these things are what PARENTS do. Not just mothers. If you have a child, and you're not doing ALL of these things on a regular basis......then you aren't being a responsible parent.

Ha, there may be hope for me yet.....

2011-04-01T16:06:00.000-07:00

When I was little, I became completely enamored with this movie called "Clan of the Cave Bear". Between the ages of about 7 and 9, I watched "Clan of the Cave Bear" and the "Labyrinth" over and over again every single day.


Can you imagine how long my mother must have had the "Magic Dance" song in her head?! Sorry Mom.

Once I got a little older, I bought and read Clan of the Cave Bear (and the three books that followed it - Valley of the Horses, The Mammoth Hunters, and The Plains of Passage). I loved the series. Quite a few years later, I found and read the fifth installment of the series, The Shelters of Stone. And for quite a few more years, I've been increasingly disappointed because I thought that Jean M. Auel was going to leave the story unfinished.

But, lo and behold, Ms. Auel has finally released The Land of the Painted Caves! Ten years after the release of The Shelters of Stone......and a grand total of 31 years after she first released Clan of the Cave Bear.

Makes me feel a little bit better about the fact that I've been diddling away at my story for just under a year and only have 63 pages.

Writer's block is a bitch.

Just so everyone knows

2011-03-30T23:34:00.000-07:00

14 year old Bangladeshi girl raped, then charged with Adultery and lashed to death.

11 year old girl viciously and repeatedly gang-raped by as many as 18 men. The men videotaped the attack and sent it around. Much victim-blaming ensues, lots of worry about how this will affect the guys' lives.

Another 11 year old gang-raped, this time in a California park bathroom.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next time someone gives me shit about being a feminist, I'm gonna punch them in the fucking throat.

Too cute.

2011-03-30T13:49:00.000-07:00

Personally, I think they are discussing the viability of Michele Bachmann as a Presidential candidate in 2012. And I agree with the one on the right....it's an utterly ridiculous prospect.

(Sidenote: This is disturbingly similar to what me and my father look like when we're arguing. Right down to me only having one sock on and laughing at him every few minutes. Creepy....and enlightening.)

Am I unAmerican?

2011-03-29T19:04:00.000-07:00

Recently, I read a book that I had been told repeatedly for years was an amazing book. Seriously, everyone that I came in contact with that had read it sang its praises. This book: Anne Rice's Interview with a Vampire.

I borrowed the first four or five books of the series from my BFF, absolutely sure that I was going to enjoy it enough to read the entire series. I got home, finished the quick fluff book that I also borrowed from her (Sh*t My Dad Says. It's cute. I recommend it) and then eagerly dived into Interview with a Vampire.

It bored me to tears.

Holy Crap! What's wrong with me?? I am undoubtedly the odd man out. Did I just build it up too much in my head that it could never live up to my expectations? Did the combination of Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas, Kirsten Dunst, and a pre-crazy Tom Cruise really overshadow the novel they were acting from?

I can count the number of books that I've preferred the movie adaptation to the actual book itself on one hand. Generally, I am able to compartmentalize and like both the book and the movie. But I still almost always like the books best. But Interview with a Vampire has definitely added itself to the "I prefer the movie" list.


I can't even begin to tell you how much I loathed these books. But I liked the movies pretty well.

And really, Armand was the only tolerable character in this story. Lestat was dreadful, Louis was obnoxiously whiny, and Claudia was exactly as you would expect an eternally five year old girl to be like. But I liked Armand.

So. I don't know what's wrong with me. But either way, I am extremely disappointed. I was really looking forward to enjoying this series. Instead, I've moved on to Lyon by Elizabeth Amber, which I stole from my mother's bookcase.

Momma....I'm shocked. And impressed. And my husband thanks you.

Red Riding Hood

2011-03-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

Today I snuck out for a while to see Red Riding Hood.

I thought it might be good, with some slightly cheesy lines and I had my doubts about getting my hopes up for another Catherine Hardwicke film after she screwed up Twilight so horribly. But it had Gary Oldman....who I don't think I've ever seen do a bad movie.....and Amanda Seyfried and Billy Burke, who've both take part in some questionable movies but generally shined in their roles regardless.

Seriously, Amanda Seyfried was the only redeeming quality in this crapfest.

So I gave it a shot. I'm so glad I did.

It was very good! It was a good story, with a decent amount of suspense, and a nice twist at the end. And aesthetically is was probably the most beautiful film I've watched since House of Flying Daggers or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

So, I guess what I should take away from this is: one horrible, blue tinted adaptation of a beloved book into film should not blacklist a director forever (especially since she probably had Stephanie Meyers breathing down her neck through the whole thing).

I could get behind giving this up for Lent

2011-03-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

LOL.

Pearls Before Swine, 3/27/11

Holy shit!

2011-03-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

Right now, I am sitting on my couch, diddling on my laptop.....and NOT procrastinating about doing any of my housework. Because it's all done.

Even the laundry!

That's never happened in this house. Ever. I've occasionally had times when I broke even. Where I was caught up enough that the flow was sustainable and not some ever-growing mountain hiding in my bedroom....but those times are inevitably ended by some circumstance that caused me to be unable to do a couple loads of laundry for a day or two and the mountain would reappear and taunt me while the husband and children grumbled about not having their favorite shirts or underwear.

Several of those "circumstances" were me just not wanting to do another damn load of laundry.

So....I'm sitting here...blissfully guilt-free....diddling on the computer and watching a movie without worrying about how I need to get up and do this, that, or the other thing. It's pretty nice. I love my new washer and dryer.

I love that it's Friday.

Dealing with ADD

2011-03-24T10:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I took my oldest son in to start the ADD screening process.

I've tried for three years to find some way to avoid this. To find something else that worked; vitamins, supplements, structured schedules and discipline. And nothing has worked. His grades continue to drop with each new layer of education, and his emotional well-being is faltering with them.

His teacher this year has been great....this has been the hardest school year he's had so far. I'm sure next year will be even worse if we don't get him the help he needs. In the letter that his teacher wrote for the doctor yesterday, he said that while he was not a medical professional qualified to diagnose Billy, having dealt with his own ADD and that of several students since, he fully believes that Billy has the most severe case of ADD that he's ever witnessed.

My brother had ADD growing up. I used to get very upset at the fact that my mom allowed my brother to get away with so much more than she did me. And now, while I still don't think it did him any favors to be allowed his way so often, I can understand her motivation for it far more now that I would have otherwise.

There's not much that comes easily to Billy. He struggles for every single grade he gets. Homework and tests and the mental struggle that comes with those things causes him to become frustrated, angry, and ultimately depressed. I can't count the number of times he's cried and sobbed that he's just too stupid to learn because we've gone over the same math problem ten or twelve times and he still can't get it. Seeing that day after day makes you want to make something....anything....easier for them.

I also grew up seeing my brother ostracized and bullied because of his difficulties. And while I'm sure that there were also mean children who gave him shit for the fact that he had to take medication, it was the adults in his life that were by far the cruelest and most ignorant. Most of these adults were family members, which means that my son will also have to deal with them (although not on a daily basis like my brother did, thank god). I'm preparing myself for the battles that I know will be coming. I've already had a couple family members tell me that "all he needs is a belt across his bottom".

What these family members are too ignorant to understand is that by all accounts, Billy is a well behaved child. His teachers love him and say that his issues definitely aren't behavioral. He's sweet, listens well, and behaves as he should.....he just lacks the ability to focus and is extremely easy to distract. And I refuse to spank a child that is trying his hardest and is just unable to do it. To do so would be cruel.

When his frustration and anger leak out and cause behavioral problems at home, I do correct him and he is disciplined because I do not want him to think he can use his problems as an excuse for bad behavior. Generally, some time in his room to cool down and regroup does the trick. I'm not saying he's perfect....he's mouthy (gets that from me) and stubborn (gets that from his dad) and he pushes his boundaries often. He's a normal 8 year old kid.

*sigh* So I'm terribly conflicted about this whole thing. On one hand, I'm glad that this process has started so that I can get my baby the help he needs. Make his life a little easier. Give him some confidence and a chance to truly enjoy his education. On the other, I wish I could delay this or hide it so that he doesn't have to deal with the close-minded, ignorant shit that comes with it. I'm lucky that I had my mother and brother's experiences to draw on for this. Billy deserves all the help, love, and support that we can give him.

Gaelic Storm

2011-03-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

Last night, I took my oldest son to see his first concert. He's really really into Irish/Scottish music, and he LOVES the bagpipes, so I thought going to see Gaelic Storm at The Birchmere in Alexandria, Virginia would be a good first concert for him.

Turns out, I was right!

I was a little hesitant to spend that kind of money at first. The tickets plus dinner ended up coming to $130. But honestly, the look on my little man's face when that dude pulled out his bagpipes and started playing was totally worth it.

We really enjoyed ourselves. Billy's pretty shy, so at first he wouldn't do much but sit there with a huge grin on his face, but as the night wore on he came out of his shell and started clapping and dancing and participating in all the little dances and sing-a-longs that the band had the audience do with them.

The music was awesome and the lead singer had a great story and song about how he and Russell Crowe got in a fist fight one night when he was bartending in Los Angeles. Check them out on YouTube.

Case 39 and The Other Guys

2011-03-20T18:04:00.000-07:00

So Ian McShane made me watch a scary movie called Case 39. Well, he didn't "make" me, per se, but he co-starred in the movie and thus my attention was required. Turns out, the movie wasn't all that scary...but it was what my husband called, "a decent thriller" right before he started lamenting the lack of really scary horror.


Apparently, this rather grotesque fella was the apex of the horror genre, and it's been an ever-declining crapfest since.

Either way. I liked the movie. And not just because it featured Ian McShane and Ian McShane's amazing voice. It also had Bradley Cooper (who dies a truly horrific death, btw) and a really adorably creepy Jodelle Ferland.


It's the eyes....the adorably creepy eyes.

Renee Zellweger plays the social worker turned foster mother who gets terrorized and tormented and, (although they don't show it) I'm sure, ultimately imprisoned. (Because she really has a lot of explaining to do at the end of this movie).

I'm glad I sucked up my chickenshittedness (haha! New word of the day!) and watched it. It was much better than the craptastic comedy "The Other Guys".

I am seriously disappointed in Mark Wahlberg. What the fuck was he thinking??? I expect half (ok, most) of Will Ferrell's movies to suck...but when I saw that it had Mark Walhberg in it, I held a lot of hope that this would be one of the few good ones.

Wrong!

The only good part about this movie was when Samuel L. Jackson's character told Will Ferrell's character that if he wanted to hear him talk, he would shove his arm up (Will Ferrell's) ass and work his mouth like a puppet. I plan on working that awesomeness into a word fight as soon as I possibly can.

New Car

2011-03-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

Very recently, my husband and children were in a pretty bad fender-bender in our van. They were sitting still in DC rush-hour traffic, when this teenage guy in a tiny little Toyota truck slammed into them and pushed them into the person in front of them. He said that he "didn't see them".


Even if he didn't specifically see my BIG ASS NISSAN MINIVAN...how did he miss the other 500,000 people in front of him?

I'm not sure, but I think he might have been clinically blind.

Luckily, my children and husband made it out unscathed. My van, not so much. The insurance called today and they are totaling the van. Less than six months after we finished paying it off. Blah.

But, this means that I get to go car shopping!

Well. Not really. Because I've already done my research and I know what I want.

I don't really like shopping anyway.

I am hoping to get a new Kia Sorento.

I've already bought two bumper stickers for it.

I wasn't really wanting or planning on having another car payment right now. But, if I just have to, at least I won't be drooling after smaller, sportier vehicles for a while.

Except the Camaro. I will still drool after the Camaro.

Big Road Trip: Day Fourteen and Fifteen

2011-03-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

We have come to the end of our road trip series. These last two days will be spent moving steadily East and South.

When we roll back into Bainbridge, we will have driven approximately 7500 miles, seen 21 states, and had an experience that we'll always remember.......hopefully fondly.

Big Road Trip: Day Twelve and Thirteen

2011-03-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

Blah. Sorry, I had a crazy busy weekend and yesterday I felt mainly like all the energy had been sucked out of me....so no blogging got done. And I hate this time change.

So where were we? Oh yes, Yellowstone National Park.

When we leave there, we hit the edge of Salt Lake City, Utah, and then head East through Colorado.

Salt Lake City, home to supposedly awesome skiing and Mormons. I am neither a skier nor a Mormon. But I'm much more likely to throw myself down a snowy mountain strapped to a thin piece of plastic than I am to join the Mormon church...so I'll probably just take pictures of the mountains while we're there.

I have only been through a small little corner of Colorado, and I've been told that it's a beautiful place so I thought it might be a little more interesting than the other route options.


Grand Junction, Colorado


Somewhere near Denver, Colorado

Big Road Trip: Day Eleven

2011-03-10T09:47:00.000-08:00

We will be leaving the Seattle and heading East toward Yellowstone National Park.

There is really a lot of interesting things in Yellowstone. Like this:


The Grand Prismatic Spring

And this:


Old Faithful Geyser

And really beautiful waterfalls:


Lower Falls

And tons and tons of wild animals. Bison, different types of deer, elk, bears, you name it. It's really cool. Plus we get to drive through a little of Montana and a lot of Wyoming. Can you say "cowboys"??

Word of caution: Don't ever google image "sexy cowboys" with your three year old sitting nearby.

Big Road Trip: Day Ten

2011-03-08T17:17:00.000-08:00

Now that "the Twilight Tour" has been taken....we will proceed with our second day in Washington with "The Practical Magic Tour".

Holla!


I remember making it to Cairo and back in ten minutes (just in time to be home for curfew) to buy this soundtrack the night it came out. Good times.

We will be exploring the area in and around the Puget Sound.

I recently found out that the Aunts' house in Practical Magic was built for the movie and torn down immediately afterward....so that shot my (admittedly delusional) dreams of one day buying it.


I'm seriously devastated. And scouring the internet for pictures so that I can recreate it when we build.

But we can at least visit the town in the movie....which was Coupeville on Whidbey Island.

And of course, we will be visiting Seattle. I don't know what we'll do there yet, but I'm hoping to find out some things to get in to before we get there.


That big needle building looks interesting....

From here, it's a steady pace back Eastward. (bah!) But there is still a few things to see on the way home, so it won't be too depressing.

Big Road Trip: Day Nine

2011-03-07T18:51:00.000-08:00

On Day Nine, we leave Oregon and proceed with what I'm calling "The Twilight Tour" of Washington. We will be going up the Western coast on Hwy 101, and see a lot of places that are mentioned in the Twilight series...like the La Push.

One of the La Push beaches with James Island in the distance. James Island was a burial site for the Quileute Chiefs.

Forks....

I will be getting Twilight memorabilia....after which I will be mercilessly mocked by Krystle.

And Port Angeles.


Honestly, Port Angeles is going to be more of a 'roll through'.

I would like to add that I have wanted to take this route through Washington since my very first visit to the state on the way to our new house in Alaska...which was almost eight years ago...long before I had even heard of the Twilight series, much less read and loved it. And we will not just be hitting up these specific stops, but doing an over all tour of the entire area.

Big Road Trip: Day Eight

2011-03-06T17:45:00.000-08:00

On Day Eight, we will continue on Hwy 101 up the Oregon coast. There are a lot of neat little places to stop and see things...

Paul Bunyan and his ginormous blue bull.

....along with even more beautiful views of the coast.

If we have enough time, we will hopefully make a trip inland for a bit to see the Multnomah Falls in the Columbia Gorge.

Big Road Trip: Day Seven

2011-03-05T09:39:00.000-08:00

When we leave San Francisco, we will be driving up one of the most beautiful highways in the US. Hwy 101.

It's beautiful. Really, really beautiful. And it's going to to take us up to the Redwood forest.

The Redwood forest is magical. It's hard to wrap your head around just how huge and old those trees are.

I'm a big fan of fantasy books based on Celtic mythology. I can totally see how some of those beliefs came about in a place like this. There's not a whole lot I can say about the Redwoods but that they're beautiful, and majestic, and magical. It's the kind of place you just walk through quietly with your mouth hanging open in astonishment. (Or at least, I do. I might be the only dumbass walking around catching flies and drooling over trees....but we all have our little quirks.)

Big Road Trip: Day Six

2011-03-04T11:23:00.000-08:00

I'm a country girl at heart. I love nature. The quiet, the animals (except snakes...them bastards should all die), trees, water, the ability to walk around buck ass nekkid in my yard if I so choose. I would never willing choose to live in a city. That being said, if I was ever to HAVE to live in a city, San Francisco would be it.

I spent two weeks there when I was seventeen at a medical forum for high school students who had aspirations of becoming doctors. Even though I had decided against becoming a doctor before my time in San Francisco, it was probably one of the best experiences I've had. And besides all the life lessons it taught me about doing things on my own and experiencing new things...I fell in love with that city.

So, of course, when we leave Vegas, San Francisco will be our next stop!

(I wanted to trek through Yosemite National Park, but I don't think we're going to have enough time to do that. Maybe next time.)

While we're there, we're gonna go see the Golden Gate Bridge.

I'm going to be honest here and say for the record....the Golden Gate Bridge is not that impressive. It's a bridge. Across a beautiful bay, I'll grant you. But there's a ton of bridges across this bay. The only thing it has going for it that the other bridges don't is the historical and engineering significance. But it's one of those things that you just can't go to San Francisco without experiencing. I'm pretty sure it's an obscure law somewhere: If you go to San Francisco, you must take at least one picture of the Golden Gate Bridge.

So we'll go, take a goofy picture in front of it. And then move on....to Pier 39!!

Pier 39 is a total tourist trap...but it's still awesome. And in one of those little restaurants on the ground level, they make The Best Clam Chowder EVER....and it comes in a sourdough bread bowl....and it is the embodiment of a perfect fall evening on the coast. (Yes, I realize that it will be summer when we go....but I'm going to be pretending that it's fall while I'm eating. Mmkay?) Krystle is allergic to shell fish.....which makes her eating The Best Clam Chowder Ever problematic.....but I'm hoping we can plan ahead with some allergy meds, otherwise she might miss out. And that would just be fucking tragic.

Another awesome thing about Pier 39....sea lions. Tons and tons of sea lions.


That's a lot of fucking sea lions people.

They're cute. And there's hundreds of them. And it's amazing to watch their transformation from awkward slow lugs on the piers to the swift and graceful creatures they are in the water. They're like two different animals.

After our tourist-y time in San Francisco, I'm really really hoping that we can go down to the UC-Berkeley part of town. That's where I thoroughly explored when I was staying there. And I would love to go back through there. I ate the best pizza of my life down there. And there were so many awesome little stores there that I would love to go through again.


There was a street artist that hung out right outside this gate when I was there. He was amazing. It was great to just stand there and watch him.

Big Road Trip: Day Five

2011-03-03T08:25:00.000-08:00

After checking out the Grand Canyon, we will be popping over to Las Vegas. Yay!

I'm planning on having us spend the 4th and 5th night in Vegas to give us enough time to really see the Vegas sights and so we can give our asses a little break from the car.

There's tons to do in Vegas obviously....much more than I could post pictures of here. There are several free shows, like the water show at the Bellagio:

Add caption

And the Pirate show at Treasure Island:

And other things like the Masquerade Village, various roller coasters, oohhh, and gondola rides at the Venetian:

Just riding down the main drag looking at all the casinos is spectacular. One of my favorites is the Luxor:

And of course, there's always gambling! (honestly, I'm far too much of a cheap ass to gamble hardcore.....but I'll happily loan good vibes and wishes of luck to others.)

We'll have plenty of time to do stuff in Vegas, and there's a website that gives a list and small description of things to do and see there. I'm am quite certain that a blast will be had by all of us. :)

Big Road Trip: Day Three and Four

2011-03-02T08:56:00.000-08:00

Day 3, as I explained before, will be spent driving. It will be the longest driving day in the trip. It is the big push to get us out of "The South" and into "The West". We will drive from San Antonio to Tucson, AZ.

Now, I am not a hot weather person. Anyone who knows me at all can tell you that. But I love Arizona.

It is hot. Very, very hot. But it's completely different from the heat we have over here in the Southeast. You don't feel as....stifled? I guess is the term I'm looking for. Even at temperatures over 100 degrees in Arizona, I can still breathe and I don't feel as claustrophobic as I do when the temperatures hit anywhere above 80 degrees here.

And Arizona is beautiful. In this strange and barren way, it is one of the prettiest places in the US.

So I'm looking forward even to the driving part of this day's trip up through Arizona.

We will be ending this day at the Grand Canyon. I honestly can't even describe the Grand Canyon to you. It's one of those things that you kinda know is going to be really cool.....and then you actually see it and it completely takes your breath away.


This is Havasu Falls....I'm hoping to get over to this if time allows. (I think it will)

So. That's Day Three and Four. I really really really can't freaking wait for this trip.

Big Road Trip: Day Two

2011-03-01T20:47:00.000-08:00

WooHoo! So, after our day in New Orleans, we're packing up and heading to San Antonio....which, IMO, is one of only two places worth spending money to go visit in Texas.

Things to do here:


Remember the Alamo!


Go to this ginormous cool mall....


And enjoy the sights along the Riverwalk.

There's a Coyote Ugly bar on the Riverwalk, that I would at least like to go to once.

Unfortunately, the entire next day will be spent driving....thirteen and a half hours to Tucson, Arizona....where the strange beauty of the desert will begin. Squeeeeeeee!!!

Big Road Trip: Day One

2011-02-28T15:12:00.000-08:00

I have a dream. It's something that I've wanted to do since I was in high school.

I want to go on a cross-country road trip with my two best friends.

I want to do this for many reasons. Because I miss the old days when we'd pack into my old Nissan Maxima station wagon (with a sunroof!) and drive to the beach, to my Dad's, around our hometown 1000 times on a Friday night. Because I road trips are the epitome of freedom; where to go, how to get there, what to do on the way, it's all completely up to the traveler. And mainly, because I LOVE the West, and I want to share the experience of being there with my friends....and also so the crazy looks will stop when I gush about how badly I want to live there. You can see all the pictures and movies in the world that show you the West, but until you stand beside the Grand Canyon, or you put your hand on a Redwood tree, or you listen to the waves of the Pacific hit the cliffs of the coast............you just don't feel it like it should be felt.

So. I'm saving my money. By then end of the year, I will have $1500 set back for this trip, even more by the time we finally get to go. And I'm going to detail my tentative plan for our big road trip over several posts.

Day One: We will leave South Georgia and head to New Orleans. Not a very long trip, in comparison, but a good way to ease us into trip.


We're gonna peruse the French Quarter and be all tourist-y. Try to find a restaurant that both me and Krystle can eat at. Seeing as she's allergic to shell fish and I'm allergic to the peppers in most Cajun seasoning, this might be an exercise in futility.


Maybe see if we can hunt down celebrity houses....don't Sandra Bullock and Brangelina live there now?

And we'll buy Mardi Gras masks to commemorate our stop.

Blah

2011-02-26T17:34:00.000-08:00

My life is kinda boring right now, and my comedic talents are completely wasted without two-person interaction. SO. I will regale my one reader (Hey Krystle!) with funny pictures from my stash.


I saved this one when my youngest brother was thinking of joining the Army. Someone needed to warn his fellow troops.


This has always been a personal favorite.

And then:

My husband thinks that I'm a nerd for this one. He's probably right.

The Internet has traumatized me again....

2011-02-24T19:04:00.000-08:00

Today, while happily and innocently perusing Facebook, one of my favorite websites (Cracked.com), posted a link on my wall for their new Top 5 List. This one was The 5 Most Spectacularly Unsexy Workout Videos Ever. The #1 Most Spectacularly Unsexy Workout Video: Angela Lansbury's Positive Moves.

Sweet Baby Jesus.

They detail this video, where Angela Lansbury....of Murder, She Wrote fame.....is generally long-winded and oddly hump-ish before hopping into her large tub and talking about how women her age are still sexual while her hands mysteriously disappear into the water.

I didn't believe them. So I clicked on the video link.

Why, why, oh why did I choose to open that link? The vision of Angela Lansbury (possibly...more than likely) masturbating ON FILM! is going to haunt me forever.

I've delayed my plans to build my teleportation device in order to give me time to invent some sort of memory scrubber thing-a-ma-bob in order to save myself a few hours of therapy.

Dear Cracked:

Mardi Gras!

2011-02-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

Thursday morning....way too early for this chick.....I loaded up my munchkins and drove through four states to my best friends' house. Spent the night and got up at a slightly more acceptably early hour to driving through two and a half more states to kick off the first weekend of Mardi Gras in Louisiana.


No one's boobs were exposed for this bounty of beads.

I have had the good fortune to have experienced Mardi Gras once before....prior to marriage, kids, and most of the other adult responsibility stuff....but my husband and children have not. One of my surrogate mothers lives in southern Louisiana, not far from New Orleans, and we've been wanting to get down there for some time, but things just never worked out. This year, it mostly did. We had a few hurdles thrown at us in the form of my husband's dickhead boss taking all his scheduled leave from him at the last minute, but we overcame.

And we are so glad that we did.

We enjoyed ourselves immensely. The boys got more beads then we know what to do with and got to spend a weekend with children other than just each other. Me and the hubs got to interact with adults other than each other....and most of those adults were fucking hilarious to boot. As we drove home last night, we discussed our weekend and how much we miss just having friends to hang out with. Having that socialization and connection with other people who we've known forever and have history and shared interests with is something that we really miss out on with our military-issued lifestyle.

Unfortunately, that seems to be out of reach for us. Definitely for the time being, and possibly forever. So, we'll happily snatch whatever time like that we can get, whenever we can get it.

Even if it means going back down South and subjecting ourselves to ridiculous heat, and sometimes infuriating culture, and a ridiculous sunburn in the middle of fucking February. I mean really. I should have been safe from second degree burns from the mean, cruel sun for AT LEAST three more months. It's not even an even sunburn!! I look like a drunk Apache warrior.


Before I get any hate mail, let me assure you, I have nothing but the utmost respect for Apache warriors.....even the drunk ones.

Damn my extremely Caucasian-ness.

A lot of bullshit going on out there....

2011-02-15T09:47:00.000-08:00

What the hell is going on with women's rights out there lately?

There are always states looking to circumvent a woman's right to choose using infuriating methods like mandatory counseling and wait times, "personhood" amendments, mandatory viewing of sonograms, and even forcing doctors to recite often blatantly false information from a script before allowing the woman to receive an abortion. These are all admitted attempts to make abortion so expensive, inconvenient, and challenging that most women will not be able to go through with their decision to abort.

Now, thanks to the Republican's in Congress, we have to deal nationally with things like the (ironically named) "Protect Life Act" that allows publicly funded hospitals to refuse any care or treatment that they feel might harm the fetus, and it allows them to refuse to provide abortions even in cases where the abortion is the only way to save that woman's life or transfer her to a hospital that will help her. This will effectively nullify the Emergency Medical Treatment & Labor Act for pregnant women in need of lifesaving abortion services.

**The Emergency Medical Treatment & Labor Act, passed in 1986, requires publicly funded hospitals to provide emergency services (abortions included) to anyone who comes through the doors OR they have to stabilize them and transfer them to a hospital that will provide those services.**

Basically, they are admitting that they'd rather watch a woman die than allow her full control over her own reproduction. And that is all it amounts to....because abortion is not the only reproductive choice they want to curtail, Republican also want to eliminate Title X - federal funding that helps low-income women get their yearly check-ups, needed women's health appointments, and birth control; allowing them to stay healthy and have responsible sex lives (gasp!). And their outright disdain for civil welfare programs like Medicaid, food stamps, WIC, etc, shows that once that fetus exits the womb, they couldn't give less of a shit about it.

This Act comes right on the heels of another, even more disgusting measure like House Republicans attempt to redefine rape so that an even smaller margin of women qualified for federally funded abortion.

REDEFINING RAPE!

The Daily Show
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Luckily, enough people threw a fit about the redefinition that the House GOP retracted it. But the simple fact that they tried.............it's thoroughly repulsive.

And now, to top it all off, South Dakota - one of the hardest places to get an abortion in the entire US - is trying to make killing a doctor who performs abortions TOTALLY LEGAL.

Mother Jones reports:

"A law under consideration in South Dakota would expand the definition of "justifiable homicide" to include killings that are intended to prevent harm to a fetus—a move that could make it legal to kill doctors who perform abortions. The Republican-backed legislation, House Bill 1171, has passed out of committee on a nine-to-three party-line vote, and is expected to face a floor vote in the state's GOP-dominated House of Representatives soon.

The bill, sponsored by state Rep. Phil Jensen, a committed foe of abortion rights, alters the state's legal definition of justifiable homicide by adding language stating that a homicide is permissible if committed by a person "while resisting an attempt to harm" that person's unborn child or the unborn child of that person's spouse, partner, parent, or child. If the bill passes, it could in theory allow a woman's father, mother, son, daughter, or husband to kill anyone who tried to provide that woman an abortion—even if she wanted one. "

Ugh. I have a headache. And I need a drink.

It's family meetin' time....

2011-02-12T17:36:00.000-08:00

In November, my family found out that my meth-head sister-in-law was 6 1/2 months pregnant with their third child. She and my brother had been keeping it a secret for a myriad of reasons....they are out of work drug addicts who couldn't be bothered with taking care of the two children they already had......there was a good chance that my brother was not the father because she had been sleeping with their suppliers for their drugs....and mainly because my mother is a nurse and SIL hadn't had any prenatal care because she couldn't pass the drug tests she knew they'd run.

December came, and two days before Christmas, SIL's drug usage caught up to her in the form of an aburpted placenta (brought on by her meth use...she had already had a bad scare two weeks earlier and before she left the hospital and refused further treatment, the doctors told her that further use would cause EXACTLY WHAT IT CAUSED.). She had to have an emergency C-section and the baby, who was only 7 months along in its gestation, was airlifted to Albany, Georgia to the NICU at Phoebe-Putney Memorial. SIL almost bled to death, but was quickly stabilized and doing well. The baby, not so much.

My brother and SIL's first acts as new parents was to refuse to allow anyone to go see the baby or to ask about the baby. They threw a huge fit because they didn't think anyone was showing appropriate amounts of affection and worry for my SIL - who almost died! - because we were all too worried about if the three-months-premature baby, who was still strapped to a ventilator struggling for her life, was doing ok.


Parent of the Year Award: You won't be getting it.

Of course, SIL popped positive for drugs while she was at the hospital. And lucky her, she was down visiting family when all this happened so her drug report went to Decatur County DFACS instead of the Upson County DFACS who would had been waiting on the report so that they could finally take the first two kids from SIL and Brother's custody. As soon as SIL found out about the report, she checked herself out of the hospital AMA.

Decatur County called her in for a "stern talking to" regarding her drug use, and then warned them that they were required to send the report to their county of residence -which was Upson. Knowing that Upson has been waiting for a solid reason to take the kids, my brother and SIL drove up in the middle of the night, packed up and moved Decatur County where SIL's family is in law enforcement and the court system and goes out of their way to protect them from trouble.

Once they got down there, they started putting out feelers for "help" and "support" and quickly realized that, with the exception of SIL's family (who won't help them monetarily much at all), their network of "help" and "support" was fed up with their bullshit. Emails and phone calls were launched attacking those of us who weren't only fed up, but really fucking pissed that those poor children were being kept in danger by the very people that were supposed to protect them; and begging those who still hope and pray that they will turn their lives around to not listen to us mean ones who think that the kids safety should come first - "and please help us and support us!"

Which leads us to today. My mother IMed me, letting me know that Decatur County DFACS, after one and a half months of watching Brother and SIL (and not popping one drug test, surprise or otherwise), wants all of the family to come together for a meeting where they will discuss what we can all do to help and support Brother and SIL so that they can close out their file on them.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!???!

These fucktards have three, innocent, beautiful little kids who have had to fend for themselves and their siblings since birth. My SIL has drugged them, abandoned them, starved them, and put them at constant physical risk while cooking meth, inviting random strangers into her house to get high with her children there, and left various drug paraphernalia laying around where they could get it. They are never adequately dressed for the weather. They don't get bathed. My brother is marginally better when he is there, but he is equally to blame because he is equally responsible for them and could easily take them and raise them in a better environment.

Why doesn't anyone care enough about them to put them before their parents??

UGH!

So, while I wasn't officially invited to this family get-together with DFACS. I plan to be there. I plan to offer my support by being willing to get their children to safety until such time as they can finally get themselves together and provide a healthy safe environment for them. That's as much support and help as they will be getting from me.

Katie Makkai - "Pretty"

2011-02-12T14:25:00.000-08:00

Nightmares suck.....

2011-02-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

So the vast majority of my day has been royally shitty. And it started at 2am, when I woke up because my husband was shaking me and begging me to tell him what was wrong because I was sobbing. Like loud, I-haven't-cried-like-this-since-my-grandfather-died, sobbing. It was bad.

I had been having this horrible, and very realistic dream...nightmare....that I had an evil entity in my house that was literally driving me crazy. At first, it was just annoyingly scary. But then this entity was trying to make me hurt my kids. And in my dream-state, I felt myself losing my mind and it was SCARY, and it would tell me to hurt my children and I would walk toward them and they would cry and I would come to my senses and beg someone - anyone - to take them and take care of them and protect them from ME.

And no one would.

No one would take my kids, no matter how hard I begged, and pleaded and cried because I was their mother, and I needed to suck it up and deal. Everyone was sure I could handle whatever I was going through if I just tried a little harder. But I could feel myself losing it and I knew I wasn't going to be able to stop myself from hurting them if someone didn't take them soon.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, I started really crying and sobbing. And I woke my husband up out of a dead sleep (which is no small feat). And I drenched him and the pillows in tears and told him all about my nightmare. Which was probably a horrible mistake because he spent the rest of the day blaming himself for my nightmare.

He thinks that my nightmare was a subconscious manifestation of the added stress that his new job and long hours have put on me. Personally, I think it was a bad mix of too many news articles about two mom's that have recently killed their children, the book I'm currently reading that deals with Celtic mythology-specifically an evil, mind-twisting elf/fairy/forest creature of some sort, and the bowl of Shepherd's Pie that didn't sit well after dinner.

And now, instead of just dealing with the migraine that always comes after a sobbing fit, I'm also trying to assuage his guilt over something he has no control over and keep him from adding to the stress that his new job has given him.

And then to top it off, I ran over a nail and my back tire was flat when I started to leave from picking my boys up from school...stranding me and my kids, in my PJs with no shoes (because I'm that mom) in the parking lot.

But this bad luck brought on the one good aspect of my day.

My husband's asshole boss let him leave work early to come get me and the boys and he got to take them to a school dance that they have been desperately wanting to go to for two weeks, and we all got to eat dinner together. And he's taking a nap right now, so there's a very decent chance that I might get laid tonight. Yay for weekend booty calls.

Just because I love this and I can't think of one single place it will ever truly fit....and this post needed some levity....and if you read this like Robert Di Niro and Joe Pesci are saying it, it kinda hilarious.

Three things I learned from listening to Taylor Swift's new CD

2011-02-10T16:04:00.000-08:00

I recently bought Taylor Swift's new CD off iTunes and have had it on "repeat" for a few days. Here's what I've learned:

- Lesson 1 -

I SHOULD NEVER DATE A SONGWRITER. I tend to be a private person. I don't want mine and my significant other's intimate moments broadcast to hundreds of thousands of people...or even ten or twenty people. And if I break up with said significant other, I damn sure don't want all the ways I fucked up being broadcast either. Two of the three guys have moved on to other girls - as people their age often do - and they probably want to just put all the shoulda, woulda, couldas of previous relationships behind them.

- Lesson 2 -

IT WOULD BE SUPER FUCKING COOL TO BE A SONGWRITER. Seriously. It must be one of the most cathartic experiences in the world to write an emotional song like these, hear it played a million times in a million places, and even get to meet other people that have felt the exact same way and connect with that song on such a level. It would be amazing.

- Lesson 3 -

NEVER DATE JOHN MAYER....OR OTHER DICKHEADS LIKE HIM. I didn't feel the slightest bit sorry for was John Mayer (Or Kanye, but his song was nice and forgiving IMO). He's got a reputation for severely fucking with the chicks that he dates, regardless of their age. And having met way too many of those angsty, "complicated" guys whose answer to every argument is "You just wouldn't understand!!", "I've got a lot on my mind!", or some variant of those two answers, I can say with authority....after about the third meltdown where these excuses are used to blow-off or belittle your feelings, you want to stab a motherfucker in the eye. Taylor Swift saying what several of his other girlfriends have danced around in the press just earned her cool points in my book.

To save your eyesight, I'll paraphrase: "I'm a moderately talented musician with the emotional maturity level of a pre-pubescent male baboon." x10

M&M's were the key the whole time....who knew?!

2011-02-08T17:03:00.000-08:00

So. We are one week and two days into Operation Potty Train, and don't look now, but I think we're actually making headway! Holla!

My middle son had a "100 Days of School" project due this week where we had to send in ten groups of ten of something small. So this weekend, we went out and got a HUGE bag of M&M's (because I drastically overestimated what 100 M&Ms would look like) and his dad taught him how to aim at marshmellows in the toilet (because that's a talent I just don't have) and - wha lah! - instant potty training success!

I didn't even know The Tyrant liked M&Ms.

He hasn't had a pee accident in days. He's even wearing big boy underwear now!!

Poo, on the other hand....

We had our first and, so far only, poo accident last night. I noticed him hunched over something he was hiding in his hand, slinking towards the bathroom, and I asked him what he had. He looked at me all seriously with this hilarious disgusted look on his face and said, "Don't looks Momma, it's so gross, just don't look."

Aww. Thanks for thinking of me, Little Man. Neither of your older brothers ever did.

File this under: WTF?!

2011-02-07T08:59:00.000-08:00

Desperate to Be a Grandma, Woman Hires Man to Rape Daughter

And sadly, he succeeded in raping the young woman before the plan was found out.

Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with people?!?!?? I understand that I will not be able to understand that whole amazing "grandmother feeling" until/unless I actually become a grandmother. But having dealt with my fair share of grandmother insanity.....I'm fairly positive that I will be able to hold on to my sanity when my time comes to take up the mantle of "Grandmother".


If not, please euthanize me for the good of humanity.

I have a HUGE list of "fucking crazy grandparent stories"......luckily most of them aren't from my own personal experience. It's really very lucky....because if some of the shit that I've seen happen to friends and family had happened to me....my kids wouldn't have any grandparents. (I have epic grudge holding abilities.)

But this one really, really, really takes the cake. I really hope that this young woman does not end up pregnant from this horrible experience. But if she does, and if she decides to keep, love, and raise the child, then I fervently hope that she keeps it as far away from her mother as possible. Especially if it's a girl Because we all know what she's capable of if later down the road she decides that she just has to have a great-grandchild before she dies.

Shhhh....I'm listening to Ian McShane's voice rumbling in my head.

2011-02-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

The Super Bowl commercials kinda sucked this year.

My favorite part of the whole thing was when they showed the new convertible Camaro that is coming out this spring.

I wants it. I needs it. My Precious.

My second favorite. My brief flash of the the next movie that will get obscene amounts of my money....because I plan on retreating to the theater as often as possible to spend 2 hours in heaven with two of my biggest celebrity crushes - Ian McShane and Johnny Depp - in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

*excuse me...my hubs just informed me that I was drooling again.*

My third favorite part of the Super Bowl.....eh. I got so distracted by the sound of Ian McShane's voice, I kinda forgot to pay attention to the rest of it. Sorry.

*I don't care if anyone else likes this....I'm linking it simply so I can come back and listen to it as much as I want without having to track it down every time.*

Seriously. Watch Deadwood. Something about the way that man says "fuck" makes you just want to.

Neglectful

2011-02-05T19:27:00.000-08:00

I have been slightly neglectful of this blog for the past two days. I'd apologize, but it'd be a lie. Because the reason that I've been MIA is because I became slightly obsessed with this fanfic novel that I've been reading online called "Wide Awake" (by AngstGoddess). It was really, REALLY good. I'm serious. Hands down, The. Best. fanfic I have ever read.

It's technically a fanfic based off the characters of Twilight. I very rarely like fanfic (to be completely honest, I only like the smutty short stories about my favorite fiction couples. Don't judge. A girl's gotta have her literary porn). But the names and couplings are the ONLY things that this story has in common with the original. It is dark. And sad. Of course there's a happy ending, but I literally cried my way through 1/2 the story.

This. Except Bella's covered in knife wounds and Edward is covered in burn scars. And no one is a vampire. And there's no obnoxious Jacob. Which is really the best thing about this book.

After all that angst and darkness, I'm ready to move on to somewhat lighter fare.

LIKE THE SUPER BOWL!!

I don't have a dog in this hunt, but I'll be lovingly providing my hubs and sons with spinach dip and drinks while my hubs cheers for the Steelers and my oldest son cheers for the offense.


But really, I'm just watching to see this dude. He's hot. And I really want to play with his hair.

Oh, and as an update: I'm pretty sure we're gonna be rolling into Mardi Gras with a 3.5 year old still in fucking diapers. The kid is stubborn. I don't know where he gets it.

What the hell?!

2011-02-02T18:48:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I asked my oldest son to pick up Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows from his school library because I really want to read it....but not enough to go buy it. After getting smacked in the back of the head because he made some smart ass comment about me not being able to read a book that size, he agreed.

Fast forward to Friday, his library day at school, and he tells me the incredibly ridiculous news. Harry Potter books are banned from his school library.

What. The. Fuck??

I'm sending my children to one of "those" schools. Where the idiots have taken over the village. Banning Harry Potter?! Jeezus, where's a secular, liberal homeschooling kit when you need one.

The first thing out of my son's mouth was, "Why would they ban Harry Potter?" And instantly I was taken back to one of our family trips home a few years ago. We were riding down the country highways that connect my father's house in Bumfuck, Central Alabama, to my mother's house in Bumfuck, Central Georgia, and passing more church buildings than actual houses. My husband and I were laughing and shaking our heads in mild disgust because on several of the church marquees were warnings about the evils of Harry Potter.

On that same trip, we had been handed pamphlets about how Harry Potter was secretly teaching our children about witchcraft.....J.K. Rowling had used actual magical language (It's Latin people...granted, it's not the Southern drawl you usually hear in that particular region, but that doesn't make it of the "debil").....reading these books, or watching the movies, was allowing the Devil into your home where he would gain ultimately gain control over your family!!!

Instead of unleashing my fury at the alarmingly large amount of dumbasses who want to spread their dumbass-ness to the rest of the world, I simply told my son that some people think Harry Potter is bad because he's a wizard.

My son, being....my son, rolled his eyes and said, "That's stupid. Don't these people know Harry Potter is just pretend?"

I laughed and told him no...that some people didn't seem to realize that fact, and he rolled his eyes again and said, "That's so dumb."

It's nice to know that my 8 year old is already so much smarter than so many others, despite the obviously sub-par educational system he is having to deal with.

Fuck that, I'm blonde.

2011-02-01T17:28:00.000-08:00

Have you ever seen "What Women Want"? Specifically the very pivotal scene where Mel Gibson's character gets drunk and tries out all those women's products? He slathers some hot wax on his leg, and yanks that shit off....and once the pain died down he says, "Why would women do that more than once??"

Today, for the first time in my entire life, I waxed my eyebrows and 'stache.

Gratuitous Mel Gibson pic....mostly because I miss the days when I didn't know he was batshit insane.

And I completely agree with Mel.

The eyebrows weren't that bad. I think I prefer waxing them to plucking. But the mustache. Holyfuckingshitthathurt. And my upper lip is STILL numb.

And as I sat there, trying to will myself into finishing the job and not running around like an idiot who got 1/4 of the way into a waxing job and then ran away like a big baby, I asked myself, "What the fuck were you thinking???! Yes, you have a mustache, but no one can see it because it's light blonde!"

So with that single act of complete dumbass-ness....I have proven myself, once again, to be the blonde that I am. Take that Mike Berry.

One more for the road...because he was the first in a long line of celebrity crushes....and he started the trend of them all being much much too old for me.

Potty training sucks....but at least he's not lonely.

2011-01-31T17:40:00.000-08:00

My youngest son fell in love with his diaper at the ripe old age of "just fucking born"....and they have been a monogamous couple ever since. He does not go without a diaper longer than it takes to get a bath. And until recently, he also HAD to be fully dressed at all times. I say until just recently because he has started taking off his shirt like his two older brothers at night when they are wrestling.

So. He's been completely covered up since birth, got it?
Well today, I started forcing the potty training issue. I took his diaper off at 8am and told him he could have them back at nap time and then again at bedtime.
Seriously. Day One of potty training has been an epic fail. He's peed three times....none of those times were in a potty.

I need a drink.

But he hasn't asked for a diaper since his hour long meltdown over losing them this morning. Wanna know why? He has a new friend. And he really likes this new friend. They've played Wii together, talked and gotten to know each other. He even brought him over and introduced him to me while I was reading. I'm just waiting for him to name it. Wanna guess who his new friend is??

I'm just hoping his new friend is enough of a rebound to get him over his obsession with his diaper. We can hope, right??

Sorry, no clever picture tonight....given the subject matter, I couldn't find one that would be appropriate. Give me a break, I've had a rough day.

I'm here for your movie watching needs....

2011-01-30T17:17:00.000-08:00

I love the theaters on base. Mainly because they are CHEAP. Like, I can get my whole 5-member family in for just a dollar or two more than I pay for one ticket at regular theaters. So I keep an eye on what’s playing and when something that we’ve been really wanting to see comes through, we pack up the kiddos and pay our $13 and enjoy.

Today, the movie featured was TRON: Legacy.

Now, I LOVE Jeff Bridges. Besides being a very talented actor, he is also a really amazing photographer. And it’s hard not to smile at the laid back, “surfer dude” sort of way he carries himself. BUT. CGIed Jeff Bridges is creepy. He just looks so wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.


Right Jeff

Wrong Jeff

For half the movie, I sat there staring at Wrong Jeff trying to figure out just what made him so fucking creepy. His face looked normal when he wasn’t moving or talking. But when he did move or talk, there was just an “off-ness” to him.

And then I realized…..yes, his face is technically moving, but there’s not enough muscle-movement to coincide with the action. His mouth moves, but his face muscles do not. And it makes for one creepy looking face!

WHEW!

Once that was figured out, I was fully capable of enjoying the movie. And it was a good movie. Going to see it in 3D would have been amazing. The actors (and actress) in it were really really good……but Michael Sheen should get mad props for absolutely stealing the few scenes he was in. He was hilarious.

He's come a long way since "Aro" from New Moon....

So. Go see TRON: Legacy. You can fully enjoy it now from start to finish because I worked out the “Why is Wrong Jeff Bridges so fucking creepy??” problem. You’re welcome.