It's Night of the Walking Dead down there...

My husband has taken to reading the news and keeping himself generally up to date on most of the goings on of the world.  And while he is reading stuff, he's still generally apathetic about everything he reads.  So when he came home the other night excitedly asking me if I had read about the man who chewed off the other man's face, I had to see what the hell he was talking about.  

Miami police shoot, kill man eating another man's face.  He even ate the man's nose and eyeballs, y'all.  What the fuck?  

Although it is believed that the two men were on some sort of drug (called "bath salts"....really?  Way to forever fuck up a Mother's Day gift basket assholes), the jokes about zombies started almost immediately.  As they totally should have.  

But you have to feel horrible for the face-eaten victim.  Seriously, how do you come back from that?  He will always be known as the guy who survived the zombie attack in Miami.  However, if the man is so inclined, he could always segue this into a lucrative career as a zombie porn star.  Yes, that shit exists.  Google it.  Or just take my word for it, because it's rather disturbing and cannot be unseen. 

Google is your friend

Google might be one of the most amazing inventions in the world.  I love it so.  I love that pretty much any knowledge I wish to seek out is just a well-worded question away.  And I love how Google even seems to know what the hell I'm talking about when I give in to my frustration and tap out "WHAT IS THAT AMAZING SONG ON SHREK THE THIRD?!"

Google just nods the massive cyber head and holds all its wisdom and points me to a message board where countless other mothers who have been forced to watch the Shrek movies thirteen trillion times have CAP-LOCKED that same question and someone else has answered them in a snarky and slightly condescending tone: (I'm paraphrasing)

"Obviously you live under a sound-proof rock, or you would have known that that song is 9 Crimes by Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan....although I will stoop to share your frustration that whatever dumbass was in charge of putting together the soundtrack left out one of the best and most important songs in the movie."

 *sigh*

Thank you Google.  And you, condescending musical guru.  That song has been haunting me for about 5 years now. 

SIDENOTE:  That might be one of the weirdest music videos I've ever seen.  Seriously.  WTF?  You'd think he'd take better care of his new floating head. 

Kid shows I absolutely loathe....

So, I'm sitting here with my three year old watching Caillou....which is one of the more moderately annoying cartoons on television.  While I prefer Dora the Explorer, Go Diego Go, or Mrs. Spider's Sunny Patch, I will take unrealistically happy parents parenting an amazingly whiny kid over these shows any day of the week. 

CHOWDER

This show is not just annoying....it's down-right STUPID.  I banned my boys from watching it after seeing an episode where Chowder, his best friend, and his mentor are accidentally locked in a tower...where they proceed to drown themselves in their own pee.  WTF?

 YO GABBA GABBA

Those are the eyes of a man who has hit rock bottom.

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

Really, who comes up with this ridiculous crap?  Every single character on this show is mind-numbingly annoying.  Every. Single. One.

 TELETUBBIES

None of them.  Thank god.  Because I would shoot myself.

 And I saved this for last, because it's not a show, it's a movie.  If by movie you mean horrible, screeching teenager (pre-teenager?) who records his crapfest on film to torture the rest of the world with. 

My kids and husband love it.  It makes me want to gauge my eardrums out with an ice pick.

*Sigh* I long for the days of He-Man and She-Ra. 

File this under: WTF?!

Desperate to Be a Grandma, Woman Hires Man to Rape Daughter

And sadly, he succeeded in raping the young woman before the plan was found out.

Seriously.  What the fuck is wrong with people?!?!??  I understand that I will not be able to understand that whole amazing "grandmother feeling" until/unless I actually become a grandmother.  But having dealt with my fair share of grandmother insanity.....I'm fairly positive that I will be able to hold on to my sanity when my time comes to take up the mantle of "Grandmother".

 

If not, please euthanize me for the good of humanity.

I have a HUGE list of "fucking crazy grandparent stories"......luckily most of them aren't from my own personal experience.  It's really very lucky....because if some of the shit that I've seen happen to friends and family had happened to me....my kids wouldn't have any grandparents.  (I have epic grudge holding abilities.)

But this one really, really, really takes the cake.  I really hope that this young woman does not end up pregnant from this horrible experience.  But if she does, and if she decides to keep, love, and raise the child, then I fervently hope that she keeps it as far away from her mother as possible.  Especially if it's a girl  Because we all know what she's capable of if later down the road she decides that she just has to have a great-grandchild before she dies.