WARNING: If taken in large doses, nightshade can be deadly.

Friday, December 2, 2011

'Tis The Season

It's that time again folks. Time to pull out the winter coats; chop down a a tree (or prop up a fake one) and cover it and every other thing that holds still for more than 5 seconds at the time with lights, colorful ornaments, and garland; drink hot chocolate and eggnog; and bitch about whether people say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays".

Best I can remember, this whole rigamarole got started because some store decided to use "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" as a greeting.  Which makes sense.  Not everyone who walks through their doors celebrates Christmas.  There are quite a few holidays that take place this time of year.....Jesus is not the reason for the season for everyone. 

 I have never, EVER, heard anyone complain that someone said "Merry Christmas" to them.  But every year, shortly after Thanksgiving, my inbox/Facebook page/message boards blow the fuck up with shit like this:

 WHAT A CROCK OF S***..... We can't say Merry Christmas... now we have to say Happy Holidays. We can't call it a Christmas tree, it's now called a Holiday tree! WHY???....Because it might offend someone...Well.... If you don't ike our "Customs" and it offends you so much, then LEAVE.... I will help you pack. Why do we have to change our "Traditions" because of you??? We already have changed enough of them to support "Your Traditions" ....If you agree with this...please post this as your status!! I AM A PROUD SOUTHERN AMERICAN CITIZEN... MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR :) !! Do you have what it takes to repost this?
 ~No, random citizen who started this bullshit chain, you do not have to say Happy Holidays just because other people do.~

And this:

~This one might be the most infuriating, because it is the dumbest.  Please, please, explain to me how saying Happy Holidays is "taking Christ out of Christmas"?  Again, Christmas is far from the only holiday celebrated this time of year.  So piss off.  ~

The best response I have seen to this was on a debate board on Cafemom.  A member by the screen name of "romalove" posted this:
 I continue to think people have this all wrong.
 Giving greetings is not supposed to be a declaration of what is happening with you, but what is happening with who is being greeted.  Do you go around wishing other people Happy Birthday on your birthday because you are celebrating?  How about Happy Anniversary on your special day, do you wish that to others?
So, in that vein, if I know what a person is celebrating, I wish them to enjoy the holiday they participate in.  That means Jews get Happy Hanukah, Christians get Merry Christmas, and anyone else or someone I don't know about gets a Happy Holidays.
People are sometimes to bent on clinging to things they feel are important to themselves that they forget what the real meaning of something like a holiday season is.  It's to be kind to each other, no matter what you celebrate, that's the bottom line.
 ~ Bravo!  Thank you for being a rational voice in an otherwise completely irrational argument.~

I always buy cards with "Happy Holidays" on them rather than "Merry Christmas" because quite a few on the people on my "I like you enough to go out of my way to mail you something" and "you're family and even though I never talk to you any other time of the year, one of my closer family members guilted me into sending you a card" lists celebrate Christmas.  But now, I get a little thrill of passive aggressive rebellion every time I mail one off to anyone who has emailed or posted some of this Christians are the Poor Persecuted Majority bullshit.  I'll call it an extra Yule gift for myself. 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Saturday, October 1, 2011

She really is starting a lot of shit lately...

So, I had been resisting the urge to go anywhere near Pinterest for a while now because I knew, I knew, if I did I would get sucked in and all addicted and stuff.  So I resisted, and resisted, and when The Bloggess (arguably the BEST blogger in the cyber world) let it slip that she had a Pinterest page....I still resisted.

Until my best friend, Krystle, told me how awesome The Bloggess' (Bloggesses'? Bloggess's? whatever) Pinterest page was.  Then I had to go look.  And it was.  Really, really awesome. 

And I am completely and hopelessly addicted. 


She kick-started our descent into becoming football crazed.  She's almost solely responsible for the existence of this blog.  She's a regular little shit-starter, that one. 

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Things to think about at 2am....

So a little bit ago, I stumbled across this:

A map of the average penis sizes across the world.

And I noticed a trend that the larger penises were around the warmer climates, and it made me wonder; is it possible that, ancestrally, penises were kinda like goldfish?  In that they grew according to the space available?

Look at the map.  All the notoriously warmer climates like Central and South America and Africa are all varying shades of green while things get noticeably pinker the further north you go.  So was the northerners need for warmer, more confining breeches similar to raising a goldfish into a little glass bowl?  Whereas, the southerners, running around in what was basically a crotch curtain, have the aquatic equivalent of a goldfish raised in a pond? 


**This is not a scientific interpretation of this study.  Obviously.  I completely eliminated India and China from the information because I couldn't figure out what their problem was.  Initially, I started to backtrack and say that maybe the greener countries were more sexually, um, free? (Hence the smattering of green up there in Europe)  But then I remembered:  India invented tantric sex.  And have you seen some of the crazy shit that comes out of Japan??!**

Monday, September 12, 2011

These people simultaneously piss me off and scare the crap out of me.....

Dominionist fuck wit describes newest fad in Christian "courtship" (read: human property exchange). 

These types of beliefs are a lot wider spread than most people realize.  Google "Dominionists", "Quiverfull", "Vision Forum", "Bill Gothard", and a plethora of others.  Apparently, Sharia Law would look pretty good to these people as long as it's their holy book being imposed on everyone else.

You should also go read some of the stories on No Longer Quivering (where I first saw the blog inspiring link) for several examples of why this is a colossally bad idea. 

Saturday, September 10, 2011


It's Fall!!

My favorite time of the year is upon us.  I'm pulling out my boots, buying football shirts and hoodies, and eating soups and chowders.  I love this time of year. 

And the best part of Fall:  Halloween. 

I have the added bonus of being back in my hometown with all my friends and family for this year's Halloween.  My oldest brother has made the really awesome decision to get married on Halloween Day, so I will finally have the excuse I need to pull my kids from school and expose them to the awesomeness that Halloween can be when it's not regulated and controlled within an inch of it's life. 

I'm ridiculously excited about this. 

I am hoping that now that Climax Baptist has a different preacher than the asshole that "banned" Halloween when I was a teenager, Climax's Halloweens are once again spectacular.  I'm not holding my breath though, and I am totally willing to leave the city limits to find fun and debauchery for myself and my kiddos. 

It would be the coolest thing ever if someone could find us a hayride to go on.  That would ROCK!

Unfortunately, my hubs will spend this Fall apart from us.  He has to go on a TDY for a while, so me and the boys will be holding down the fort.  Everyone is full of sympathy and concern.....but really.....it's not going to be that different from when he's home now.  His job ensures that we see him on the weekends and that's pretty much it.  So, we'll miss him but we're gonna be fine. 

Saturday, September 3, 2011

It's my birthday!

Today starts my last year of being "twenty-something".  I'm completely cool with that.  I'm looking forward to this year and what it might bring. 

I realized recently that I actually miss being around people.

You read me right.  Ms. "People Make Me Stabby" would actually like to have a social circle again. 

Today, nothing would have been better than having a few drinks around a bonfire with a bunch of friends.  (Although the cake that my husband made me was a very close runner up.)  

I have a game plan though.  And one of these days, this hermit caterpillar is going to be a social butterfly.    

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I used to wish I had a few trees in my yard; but after last night, I'm happy with my two sage bushes and morning glory vines.

Hurricane Irene came through last night, uprooting hundreds of trees nearby, flooding the low-lying areas, and causing us to spend $200 that we didn't have in hurricane preparation.  Luckily for us, our house (and neighborhood in general) survived the wind and rain without so much as a power outage. 
The neighborhood next to us was not so lucky.  Huge trees uprooted and fell over on cars, fences, and a couple roofs.

Hurricane Irene is responsible for 18 deaths across 8 states.  (Yahoo!

I count myself as particularly lucky that I could get my kids up and celebrate my youngest son's birthday today.  We have no damage, no power outage, and we still have our lives.  And while we breath a sigh of relief that Hurricane Irene "was overblown hype" and not nearly as bad as we thought it was going to be, the friends and family of those 18 people just lived through a nightmare they will never be able to forget. 

Edited to Add:  The death toll has now climbed to 38.  (Yahoo!)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I forgot the funniest part

My youngest son, Aidan, is slightly high-strung.  He is absolutely convinced that the earthquake only hit the elementary school, and it had to be someone's fault.  So he's adamant that he will not be going back in that building.  And yesterday, while we were waiting outside to pick up the boys from school, the Vice Principal came up to the group to chat.  Aidan turns my face to make me look at her, all the while slitting his little green eyes at her and making his angry face.  When I asked him what his problem was, he said, "She made the building shake.  She was standing in the hall when the building shook."  LOL

I did my best to convince him that it was not her fault, that everywhere shook, not just the school.  And that it was the ground that made everything shake.  I'm not sure how convincing I was.  We'll see if he continues to hold a grudge. 

Sheesh, what a week

This year, my two oldest are attending a brand new, state-of-the-art, elementary school.  This place is kinda badass.  It is huge.  There's not a chalkboard in the entire building.  Everything is done on smartboards, which is going to allow them to expand how they teach (which will be awesome for my oldest).  They even have a rock climbing wall in the new gym!  All in all, we're very excited about the new school year.  

So Tuesday, I load up the kiddos, and we go to the official Ribbon-Cutting Ceremony followed by an Open House where we were able to meet their new teachers. There's no telling how many people were there.  We were packed into that building like sardines.  And since all but one of the grade levels are on the second floor, that's where the majority of us were..............when the earthquake hit.  

Did I mention that they just finished building this building at the beginning of the summer?  

Y'all, we thought that building was coming down.  "Earthquake" never even entered my mind.  

I had been talking to my son's second grade teacher at the building seemed to sway like a strong gust of wind hit it, and the teacher said, "I hate when tall buildings sway in the wind."  And then it did it again, only stronger, and I said, "Yeah.  That's not cool AT ALL."  And then it started full-on shaking, and she got this panicked look on her face and was all, "I think we need to go."  

My 3 year old, who was in the middle of getting a drink of water out of the fountain in her room, turned, spit his drink everywhere, and came running at me screaming.  My older two turned white as sheets, and I pushed them out the door and down the stairs to the outside.  People were yelling, kids were crying and screaming, and all I could think was, "Damn, I was really looking forward to them going to school here."

Needless to say, we all made it out of the building in one piece.  People calmed down when they realized that the building wasn't collapsing under the weight of every family in the neighborhood.  When word got around that it was an earthquake, there was a collective moment of "What the fuck??  An earthquakeHere??" and then people started filing back out to their cars and heading home.  

**My husband, who works on the top floor of a 9-story building made mostly of glass, was also fine.  Although much more shaken than we were.**

So, all in all, even though the West Coast is giggling hysterically at our major freak-out over a little 5.9 tremor, I have to say, we had a very stimulating day.  Now I have to go pick up my kids and go buy hurricane supplies.  Because apparently Mother Nature doesn't think our week has been exciting enough.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Annnndddddd.......we're back to our regular broadcasting

I did not die...,my computer's ability to connect to the internet did. It was touch and go there for a bit, but this techno-geek guy that I am sleeping with (also known as my husband and father to my children) worked his magic and fixed my baby (also known as "my life support" and "my sole connection to the outside world") right up.  

So I'm back.  Just in time too.  I'm sending my oldest two kiddos off to school again starting Wednesday, and I will have time and energy to focus on being better about posting random BS on here.  I know y'all can't wait.  

Until then, go see The Help.  

Sunday, July 24, 2011

That was the most exciting a Saturday night has been for me in a while.

2am found me rolling out of bed and stumbling my way downstairs for some medicine to fend off a migraine.  That alone is an adventure because I cannot see squat in the dark.  No night vision whatsoever.  But I made it down the stairs without maiming myself in the process, so I counted it as a success. 

As I'm popping my pills, I realized that there is a very loud ruckus coming from outside at the front of my house.  So I'm running around in my nightgown, peeking through all the windows, but I can't see what is making the noise to save my life. 

So I head back up the stairs, turning on every light I come in contact with once I get into our room because I'm secretly hoping my husband will wake up and go check this out for me.....because I was scared, and really, "Checking out the shit that goes bump in the night" is like #3 on the "Shit you have to do when you are a husband" list.  But alas, no such luck.  I could drive a firetruck, sirens blaring, through our bedroom and hubs would just roll over and throw another pillow over his head. 

I threw on some pajamas, head back downstairs, and out the front door.  Still nothing.  The sound is MUCH louder, and obviously coming from between our house and our neighbors' though, so I time my launch off the front porch when I know that the ONE sprinkler Housing Maintenance had installed was spraying my garage door instead of toward the lawn.

I land in the soggy grass........

....and immediately get shot across the chest by a sprinkler from our neighbor's yard. 

Now let me tell you about these sprinklers.  They are these little 2-inch black things that raise up out of the ground and rotate-spray on a timer.  I knew about the one at the end of my driveway.  I did not know about the 20 others they have scattered throughout the tiny, shared yard between our houses. 

So, I run.  And with every step, I'm shot by yet another fucking sprinkler.  I feel like I'm caught in the crossfire of the least deadliest war zone ever (seriously!  Who needs that many sprinklers?!).  I was out there, at two o'clock in the morning ducking and dodging sprinklers like a mad woman, barefoot, soaking wet, and cussing up a storm. 

When I finally make it through the maze of sprinklers, I find the source of the whole ruckus....a busted water pipe.  It was trying to rip the gutter off the side of my house with sheer water pressure.  There was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

I sprint back through the liquid obstacle course, stomp my way upstairs, change my wet clothes and dry off, cut off all the lights, and get back into bed. 

Hubby never even rolled over. 

Thursday, July 21, 2011


Television Without Pity is my absolutely FAVORITE place to go catch up on shows that I watch regularly but I missed an episode, don't watch anymore and just want to find out what happened in a particular storyline, or just want to relive.  They have delightfully snarky recappers, and I can't tell you how many times I've laughed until I've cried over their interpretation of the events on some of my favorite shows. 

Recently, I found out that they have been recapping "Game of Thrones", which is an HBO series that recently aired its Season 1 finale.  It's really good, and has stuck very closely to the books that it is adapted from (I'm on Book 3 of this series right now, and it is excellent!).  Peter Dinklage STEALS the show with his portrayal of Tyrion Lannister.  If you have HBO, and you haven't yet, you should check this show out. 

And pray that HBO doesn't pull a Deadwood on it. 

You see, while I was reading recaps of Game of Thrones, I also found TWoP's old recaps of Deadwood.  Pretty soon, I was furious all over again at the cancellation of this fucking amazing show after only 3 short seasons, and right before the climax of an extremely pivotal storyline.

Deadwood might have been the best television show I've ever seen.  And I watch a lot of the boob tube, folks.  The writing, the acting, the cinematography, the minimal soundtrack......it was all superb.  But oh my god.....the acting.  Ian McShane, Paula Malcolmson, Timothy Olyphant, Molly Parker, Robin Weigert....hell, every single cast member brought everything they had to to every single episode.  The end results were mesmerizing.  

A lot of people had qualms about the foul language, but it was the language of the time that the show was set in.  And once you immersed yourself in the vernacular, you really got the amazing flow and poetry of it all.  Deadwood helped me improve my vocabulary at least once a show.....and I'm not just talking about how to slip a well-placed "cocksucker" into my daily conversations. (Although that did come in pretty handy too.

HBO couldn't have made a bigger mistake by pulling this show.  And for what??  Shows like Entourage?  Not to mention Hung?  Or In Treatment?  It's baffling.   

I'm not sure if you can tell or not, but I really miss Deadwood.  And despite its untimely demise, you should check it out.  

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Male Privilege Checklist

This was posted in a debate group that I frequent online.  Given its accuracy, I thought I would pass it along.

The Male Privilege Checklist:
1. My odds of being hired for a job, when competing against female applicants, are probably skewed in my favor. The more prestigious the job, the larger the odds are skewed.
2. I can be confident that my co-workers won’t think I got my job because of my sex – even though that might be true. (More).
3. If I am never promoted, it’s not because of my sex.
4. If I fail in my job or career, I can feel sure this won’t be seen as a black mark against my entire sex’s capabilities.
5. I am far less likely to face sexual harassment at work than my female co-workers are. (More).
6. If I do the same task as a woman, and if the measurement is at all subjective, chances are people will think I did a better job.
7. If I’m a teen or adult, and if I can stay out of prison, my odds of being raped are relatively low. (More).
8. On average, I am taught to fear walking alone after dark in average public spaces much less than my female counterparts are.
9. If I choose not to have children, my masculinity will not be called into question.
10. If I have children but do not provide primary care for them, my masculinity will not be called into question.
11. If I have children and provide primary care for them, I’ll be praised for extraordinary parenting if I’m even marginally competent. (More).
12. If I have children and a career, no one will think I’m selfish for not staying at home.
13. If I seek political office, my relationship with my children, or who I hire to take care of them, will probably not be scrutinized by the press.
14. My elected representatives are mostly people of my own sex. The more prestigious and powerful the elected position, the more this is true.
15. When I ask to see “the person in charge,” odds are I will face a person of my own sex. The higher-up in the organization the person is, the surer I can be.
16. As a child, chances are I was encouraged to be more active and outgoing than my sisters. (More).
17. As a child, I could choose from an almost infinite variety of children’s media featuring positive, active, non-stereotyped heroes of my own sex. I never had to look for it; male protagonists were (and are) the default.
18. As a child, chances are I got more teacher attention than girls who raised their hands just as often. (More).
19. If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether or not it has sexist overtones.
20. I can turn on the television or glance at the front page of the newspaper and see people of my own sex widely represented.
21. If I’m careless with my financial affairs it won’t be attributed to my sex.
22. If I’m careless with my driving it won’t be attributed to my sex.
23. I can speak in public to a large group without putting my sex on trial.
24. Even if I sleep with a lot of women, there is no chance that I will be seriously labeled a “slut,” nor is there any male counterpart to “slut-bashing.” (More).
25. I do not have to worry about the message my wardrobe sends about my sexual availability. (More).
26. My clothing is typically less expensive and better-constructed than women’s clothing for the same social status. While I have fewer options, my clothes will probably fit better than a woman’s without tailoring. (More).
27. The grooming regimen expected of me is relatively cheap and consumes little time. (More).
28. If I buy a new car, chances are I’ll be offered a better price than a woman buying the same car. (More).
29. If I’m not conventionally attractive, the disadvantages are relatively small and easy to ignore.
30. I can be loud with no fear of being called a shrew. I can be aggressive with no fear of being called a bitch.
31. I can ask for legal protection from violence that happens mostly to men without being seen as a selfish special interest, since that kind of violence is called “crime” and is a general social concern. (Violence that happens mostly to women is usually called “domestic violence” or “acquaintance rape,” and is seen as a special interest issue.)
32. I can be confident that the ordinary language of day-to-day existence will always include my sex. “All men are created equal,” mailman, chairman, freshman, he.
33. My ability to make important decisions and my capability in general will never be questioned depending on what time of the month it is.
34. I will never be expected to change my name upon marriage or questioned if I don’t change my name.
35. The decision to hire me will not be based on assumptions about whether or not I might choose to have a family sometime soon.
36. Every major religion in the world is led primarily by people of my own sex. Even God, in most major religions, is pictured as male.
37. Most major religions argue that I should be the head of my household, while my wife and children should be subservient to me.
38. If I have a wife or live-in girlfriend, chances are we’ll divide up household chores so that she does most of the labor, and in particular the most repetitive and unrewarding tasks. (More).
39. If I have children with my girlfriend or wife, I can expect her to do most of the basic childcare such as changing diapers and feeding.
40. If I have children with my wife or girlfriend, and it turns out that one of us needs to make career sacrifices to raise the kids, chances are we’ll both assume the career sacrificed should be hers.
41. Assuming I am heterosexual, magazines, billboards, television, movies, pornography, and virtually all of media is filled with images of scantily-clad women intended to appeal to me sexually. Such images of men exist, but are rarer.
42. In general, I am under much less pressure to be thin than my female counterparts are. (More). If I am fat, I probably suffer fewer social and economic consequences for being fat than fat women do. (More).
43. If I am heterosexual, it’s incredibly unlikely that I’ll ever be beaten up by a spouse or lover. (More).
44. Complete strangers generally do not walk up to me on the street and tell me to “smile.” (More: 1 2).
45. Sexual harassment on the street virtually never happens to me. I do not need to plot my movements through public space in order to avoid being sexually harassed, or to mitigate sexual harassment. (More.)
45. On average, I am not interrupted by women as often as women are interrupted by men.
46. I have the privilege of being unaware of my male privilege.
(Compiled by Barry Deutsch, aka “Ampersand.” Permission is granted to reproduce this list in any way, for any purpose, so long as the acknowledgment of Peggy McIntosh’s work is not removed. If possible, I’d appreciate it if folks who use it would tell me how they used it; my email is barry-at-amptoons-dot-com.)
(This is a continually updated document; the most current version of The Male Privilege Checklist can always be found at amptoons.com/blog/the-male-privilege-checklist . To see posts discussing the Male Privilege Checklist and various items on it, please visit this archive page).
The author of the list notes that it is U.S. centric so please keep that in mind. 

Saturday, July 16, 2011



This movie was absolutely hilarious.  I had had a few misgivings about it....mainly because it seemed to really promote the gross physical comedy (think: vomiting, acting obnoxious, and Jim Carrey-esque type stuff) over everything else in order to bring in the guys and compete as "The Hangover for Chicks".....and there were a couple of those scenes in the movie.....and they were hilarious.  The scene for the dress fitting was horrifically funny. 

I cannot stress how funny Kristen Wiig is.  And she flows from hilarious to completely serious so seamlessly.  Her stints on Saturday Night Live were very hit and miss, but her movie roles have been great. 

The weakest link in the cast, IMO, was Rose Byrne.  Generally, I enjoy Byrne's performances.  She's is a very good dramatic actor.  But comedy seems a little forced on her.  She also had a small comedic role in Get Him to the Greek that I watched recently, and both that role and her role in Bridesmaids seemed very wooden to me.  Luckily, the stuff she was given in Bridesmaids was good enough that it didn't need her to be especially good to pull it off. 

*Newer Actor To Watch*
He's funny.....and Irish!!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Super 8

I found out the other day that if you go to the theater before noon, you pay the Early Bird special of only $6...which is pretty awesome nowadays, even if it was what I used to pay for regular price when I first got my license and no longer had to rely on my mother to take me to the theater.  (She hates going to the movies....I think maybe I was adopted.)  I am excited about this because I often wait until a movie comes to our base theater before I see it because the tickets are so much cheaper, but I really wanted to see Super 8 in the Cinemark.  (Our base theater is, um, less than spectacular.  Just a tiny screen at the back of a stage in an auditorium with theater chairs in it.)

I really enjoyed this movie.  Think E.T.....if ET had looked a little bit like the deformed love-child of Alien and Predator and ran around digging tunnels and eating people while telepathically whining about how he's just really freaked out and wants to go home.

Snarkiness aside, it really was a good movie.  All of the kids acted really well (not that I was expecting any less from Dakota Fanning's little sister, Elle) and the story never dragged or stopped pulling on your heart strings.  (Yes, I have heart strings.  They're just tiny and hard to find.) And I always enjoy seeing Kyle Chandler on screen.

He's very sexy in that whole "Hot for Teacher" way.

Although JJ Abrams is the writer and director of this movie - and you can tell by the scarier side of it - you can still feel the Steven Spielberg effect all over it.  He does these types of boy coming of age by way of huge events movies very well.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Hangover II and Bad Teacher

The Hangover II:

I'm a little ashamed to admit that I like this movie.  (And the first one)  But I do.   I know, I know, it's raunchy and over-the-top, and it has Zach Galifi-gobblitygook in it.....which would normally get it an eye-roll and an exasperated sigh from me.  But apparently this movie either has just the right combination of humor, raunch, and Bradley Cooper to entertain me.........or living in a house with four guys has severely damaged by sense of humor.  Maybe a little of both?

I still really dislike Zach Galificky-doo-dah-day, though.

I really like the friendship between Stu and Phil.  I think that the next installment should be them teaming up to purposely leave Alan somewhere remote and scary.  How many times does it take for someone to drug you before you sell them to the Thai sex slavers?

And can I just say, these guys have amazingly passive wives/fiancees.

Speaking of wives, I would like to take this moment to express my sympathy to Ken Jeong's.  Wow.  My husband laughingly told me that Mr. Chow's penis looked more like a nipple than anything........and he was right.  Holy Crap.  It was small enough that he could very well slip and poke her in the pee hole.  (Yes, I know it's technically called the urethra, ok?)

Bad Teacher:

Apparently, I am in the mood for raunchy movies lately.  This movie had a lot of potential.  I really wanted to like it.  And I guess it was alright, but I wouldn't tell anyone else to waste money for a theater ticket to see it.  (I'm really glad that I wasted the money though, because there was a guy behind me who kept a running commentary through the whole flick, and he was hilarious!!)  There were several really funny scenes, but there were several more scenes where they just tried so hard that it fell really flat.

Justin Timberlake's character was just weird.  Not funny at all.  Which was disappointing, because I know that he can be really funny.  Jason Segel was absolutely the best thing about this movie.  I just wish he would have had more screen time.  Cameron Dias delivered as best she could with what she was given.

The dry humping scene was just strange.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Black Death and Centurion

I can't quite justify the expense of going to the movie theater every day...although it would be lovely if I could.  But Netflix and Netflix Instant have helped me fill the time between theater visits rather nicely.  The other day, I decided to stay home and watch a double header:  Black Death and Centurion.

Black Death:

I had high hopes for this one.  I adore Sean Bean and am interested in seeing Eddie Redmayne in more things.  But this movie just didn't do it for me at all.  Furthermore, it is labeled as "horror" and this cowardly lion didn't have to look away even once.  I've been more scared watching the Scary Movie parodies. 

General synopsis (since this movie was not widely promoted):  A monk (Eddie Redmayne) joins a group of fighters to investigate a small isolated village that has not yet been touched by the plague even though "the black death" has raged throughout the rest of the countryside.  The villagers are suspected of using witchcraft and necromancy to keep the plague at bay.  The knight leading the party (Sean Bean) is an extremely devout man who has reason to believe the rumors and plans on bringing God's justice to the village. 

The trip to the village is long, and drawn out.  Once they get to the village the story picks up, but ends up rushing through in order to fit everything in.  And the ending is a serious, serious letdown.  Also; SPOILER ALERT:

Sean Bean's character dies....horrifically.......again.  Seriously, do director's specifically hire him to die?  Do they change the story once the realize that Sean Bean has signed on so that his character dies in a horrible fashion??  It's getting a bit ridiculous at this point.  It's easier to count the number of movies he hasn't been killed in, and I'm kinda shocked that the director of Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief didn't change the script to have Poseidon shiv Zeus in the back while he was caught in a moment of distraction.  The Many Deaths of Sean Bean article at GeekSpeek called him the "'two-legged spoiler' because he always gets killed"

Now, on to the much better, IMO, Centurion:

 Short synopsis:  After a large legion of Roman soldiers is wiped out during a Pictish attack, the small group of survivors has to outsmart and outrun their pursuers back to the Roman base.

This is a much more complex, well drawn out story.  While the main character (Centurion Quintas Dias played by Michael Fassbender) grabs and holds your loyalty right from the start, I found myself hating and sympathizing with both the Romans and the Picts.  The Roman general was portrayed as a good man and a strong, compassionate leader.  The Pictish protagonist, Etain, is a strong, smart woman who survived her family being butchered while she was raped and had her tongue cut out at the hands of the Roman invaders.  The lengths at which the Romans and the Picts go to in order to hurt the others are barbaric, and they twist the people who carry out the acts as well as the victims.

Only two people get a happy ending in this movie.  But only after a hell of a lot of wrong is done to them by the Picts and the Romans.  

Monday, July 11, 2011

As Promised.....

I am posting a ton of movie reviews in the next few days.  I have spent the last week in an awesome relaxed state - reading, watching movies, and catching up on some shows that I missed while I was gone.

Yay True Blood!!

So, for today's post, let's start with The Green Lantern:

I have to say, this is definitely not the blockbuster of the summer....or even the month of June.  But it was decent.  It had good actors, and a semi-decent, ordinary guy turns reluctant superhero and saves the earth universe story.  The second best thing about this movies was that it didn't drag itself out.  Lasting only 114 minutes, it opened, told its story, and ended and at no point did I sit there and think "Jeez, would this just freaking end already?!"

The first best thing about this movie.....

There was a lot of CGI, tons of weird aliens (one of which was voiced by one of my favs - Geoffrey Rush), and the prerequisite hot chick love interest.  It also had Tim Robbins playing an asshole senator and father to the scientist turned bad guy character played by Peter Sarsgaard.

Evil was not good to this poor man. 

My boys really enjoyed this movie, as they do any movie with a superhero theme.  They are already asking for it on DVD, so I'm sure my opinion of this movie will greatly decrease after the 500,382,303,208 time we watch it.  I might even get tired of seeing Ryan Reynolds levitate in a pair of white Lycra boxer briefs.....


Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I'm back!

We had a long vacation down South.  Dropped the boys off at their grandma's on my way back up, so I'm now reveling in pure, joyful SILENCE.  It a glorious thing, y'all. 

I went to a Barnes and Noble today and spent two whole hours perusing the aisles, making a wishlist, reading, and buying two more books for my library.  I haven't done that since high school.  I was in bookworm heaven. 

Then I drove around for a while, singing at the top of my lungs.

All of the dirty songs that I don't let the boys listen to because they have that annoying habit of repeating sexually explicit lyrics at really bad times and in inappropriate places........like school. 

So overall - it was an excellent day.

And it followed a really nice weekend. 

For the 4th of July, the hubs and I went to see "Bad Teacher" (it was "meh"...Jason Segal was the best part of the movie.  There were several funny scenes but they were interrupted by a lot more really stupid ones.  See: dry humping scene.), hit up a BBQ with our neighbors, and then went to check out the fireworks on base.  It was very nice. 

I'll probably have a few more movie reviews before too long.  I've got some catching up to do. 

Monday, June 13, 2011

It's that time again....

Today is the last day of school for my boys.  Summertime is officially upon me. 

I'm looking forward to the break in routine, the flexibility of schedule, and the family trips that we always take during the summer, getting to spend some time with my kids that doesn't involve school work or preparation for the next school day, swimming, camping, and most of all; my week and a half to myself that I will be getting in July.

I'm not looking forward to the increase in grocery bills, the fact that the kids get up two hours earlier when they don't have school (even though I have to drag them out of their beds kicking and screaming at 8 o'clock when they do), and the increase in tension and throw-down brawls we have when all four of us are in close quarters for a longer period of time then, say.........10 minutes. 

Also, this is shaping up to be a ridiculously hot summer.  So.  If you happen to drive by my house, and I'm in my swimsuit laid out in my kids' blow-up pool....................don't judge me

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

X-Men: First Class

Saturday, my middle son and I were at each others throats.  We could barely stand to be in the same room together for some reason.  So after about our fourth or fifth go-round, I was at my wit's end and my husband decided that he would step in and save my kid's life by sending me out for some "me time". 

So I went to the movies. 

I originally wanted to see Bridesmaids, but it was sold out for that time period....so I opted for X-Men: First Class.

**This review is made by a person who has NOT read any of the comics, and is going completely off the movies.**

It was GOOD.  Officially my favorite out of the series.  Kevin Bacon starred as the bad guy, and he does evil, cold, and hell-bent on taking over the world really well.  James McAvoy really nails it as a young, brilliant, and incredibly naive Charles Xavier.  And Michael Fassbender also brings the rage and pain of a young Erik still reeling from the terrible things done to him and his family in Nazi Germany.  

It explains so many things from the series; Erik and Charles' friend/enemy relationship and how it all got started, exactly what turned Erik into such a hardass to begin with, how Charles ended up in the wheelchair.  There were also many surprising relationships that I wouldn't have guessed at based on the other movies. 

There's obviously some continuity problems that might irk others.  I've noted a few just watching the Wolverine Origins movie since Saturday, but I don't think they are going to bother me in the long run. 

It helps that this guy was REALLY hot as pissed off, intense Erik.

I think this movie is worth the price of at least a matinee ticket.  For no other reason than the scene where Magneto pulls the submarine out of the water should be viewed on the big screen at least once. 

Friday, June 3, 2011

So cool

Someone Googled "massive outbreak of stupidity" and it led them to my blog.  That is awesome!  LOL

Someone else Googled "www.brucewillis ass photo.com" and got my blog......I bet they were supremely disappointed.  Sorry weird person who was looking for a picture of Bruce Willis' ass. 

But seriously......why?

Thursday, June 2, 2011

There's a good chance that my friends are trying to see if I'll turn green and explode out of my clothes like the Hulk....

Nigerian baby factory raided: 32 teenage girls freed

These girls were being held and forced to produce babies so that the "proprietor" could sell them trafficking agencies, illegal adoption agencies, and to people for.....get this.....black magic rituals. 


I don't even have the words for this, folks. 

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Google is your friend

Google might be one of the most amazing inventions in the world.  I love it so.  I love that pretty much any knowledge I wish to seek out is just a well-worded question away.  And I love how Google even seems to know what the hell I'm talking about when I give in to my frustration and tap out "WHAT IS THAT AMAZING SONG ON SHREK THE THIRD?!"

Google just nods the massive cyber head and holds all its wisdom and points me to a message board where countless other mothers who have been forced to watch the Shrek movies thirteen trillion times have CAP-LOCKED that same question and someone else has answered them in a snarky and slightly condescending tone: (I'm paraphrasing)
"Obviously you live under a sound-proof rock, or you would have known that that song is 9 Crimes by Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan....although I will stoop to share your frustration that whatever dumbass was in charge of putting together the soundtrack left out one of the best and most important songs in the movie."

Thank you Google.  And you, condescending musical guru.  That song has been haunting me for about 5 years now. 

SIDENOTE:  That might be one of the weirdest music videos I've ever seen.  Seriously.  WTF?  You'd think he'd take better care of his new floating head. 

I just saw Bruce Willis' ass....

Not that that has anything to do with this post....but I needed a title and that one definitely works. 

Sorry, it's hot, my brain has clicked into a zombie-like survival mode until my body can acclimate itself to the heat.  So I will entertain you with this....it's an oldie, but a goodie by two of my favorites: Garfunkel and Oates.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

For the last two weeks, my children have been obsessing over three different countdowns:

The countdown for the end of school.....

The countdown to Kung Fu Panda 2.......

And the countdown for Pirates of the Caribbean 4......

Alright, alright...I was counting down to this one too.

All of our their obsessing has finally come to fruition.  Yesterday, we snuck out of a school picnic early so we could hit the matinee showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.  And it was worth the wait.  It did not have Will and Elizabeth....but it had mermaids, zombies, and best of all:  Blackbeard.

He's a bad, bad man.  :)

(I'm pretty sure I've mentioned my insane love for Ian McShane's voice here before......if you missed it, check out this post:  Shhhh....I'm listening the sound of Ian McShane's voice rumbling in my head)

This director even got Dame Judi Dench to stage a cameo!  She's another one of those people with a truly amazing voice.  I'm very in awe of her. 

A lot of people have mentioned that they are disappointed that Will and Elizabeth are not in this installment, but to be honest, neither me nor my hubby missed them.  Their story was concluded in the third movie, and there was enough going on in this movie that their absence wasn't even noted.

The chemistry between Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz was very good.  I liked her role as Angelica...Blackbeard's long-lost daughter who is desperately trying to thwart fate and keep him alive and with her.  (He's completely behind this plan, btw).  She has a history with Jack and their back-and-forth is pretty humorous. 

This movie has much more of the feel and span of The Curse of the Black Pearl, rather than the epic feel of At World's End.  But it's good, and worth the watch.  And, as with all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, stay for the clip at the end.  It's not especially important, but it's good for a chuckle. 

Friday, May 20, 2011

You were......wonderful. Yeah, wonderful.

Yesterday my family and I packed up and headed to our two oldest sons' hot, stinky elementary school gym to watch our oldest son play in his first concert.  (He plays the cello....for now.)

The proud mother in me wants go on and on about how wonderful it was, but the proud mother in me would be lying. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm super proud of my son.  He's one of only two cellists in the band.  He's only played for half the school year, and he can read his sheet music and pick out songs by ear.  Unfortunately, because there are only two cellists in the band...most of the music the teacher chose didn't even have parts for them.  He got to play two short songs, and then had to sit back and let all the other musicians play all the big fun songs.  Third graders were only allowed to choose between the violin and the cello.....knowing my sanity couldn't handle the sound of an 8 year old learning the violin, I steered him toward the cello.  Next year, he plans to switch to the saxophone, and he wants a guitar for his birthday. 

All that being said......I was FAR from the only parent in that gym wincing in pain when the band started playing.  LOL.  I am always highly amused by the plastered on half-smile and the glazed, zombie eyed look of parents who are being held hostage in torturous situations by their love and pride for their children. 

At the end of the day, I'm glad my son has the opportunity to play and learn about music.  He loves it and it makes him more confident and better-rounded.  So sitting through horrible elementary school band concerts with a smile plastered on my face while I secretly play Spades on my phone is a small price to pay. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

What, what?! It's only Wednesday?!?!

Is it just me, or is this week dragging it's ass? 

I haven't posted in a while.  I've had a lot of visitors, a lot of family drama mixed in with several exemplary acts of stupidity that make me question my genetic makeup.  Add on to that a sick kid, and I have been all too willing to lose myself in a book. 

My husband has enabled my addiction distraction by giving me one of these for Mother's Day.  YAY!

 Excessive book reading aside, I'm in a funk.  I feel almost like I'm withdrawing from society.  Right now, I could be perfectly happy spending a few weeks on a deserted island or out in the woods by myself.  I haven't picked up my computer in days...and even then it's only to check for something specific.  Yesterday was the first time in a couple weeks that I actually looked at the news and browsed my regular sites.  

I'm soooo looking forward to summer.  Not the heat....I'm definitely not looking forward to it getting hotter than it already is.  But I'm ready to shed this school time routine for a little bit.  I hope that will pull me out of my "blah-ness".  I had made several "first summer in Maryland" plans that got squashed when Hubby was shifted to his new job instead of the one he was supposed to get.  But with a little planning, they might be doable next year and there is still several things me and the kiddos can get into around here. 

Plus, I have a nine year old's birthday party to plan.  

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Invisible Mother

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response,  the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer,  'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?, What's for dinner?'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.
I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devoured - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'
Happy Mother's Day!

Saturday, May 7, 2011


One of my friend's from back home is experiencing something that absolutely no parent should ever have to experience.....the loss of her two-year old daughter.

I never met her little girl.  I've seen her pictures.  She was absolutely beautiful.  She looked a lot like her mother, and if she had even a quarter of her mother's personality, spunk, and optimism, then this world has lost something precious and rare and we are all worse off for it.  

I can't begin to imagine what my friend going through.  I just can't.  I look at my precious babies and the thought of life without one of them instantly makes me physically ill.  My friend is living that reality now, and I wish there was something that I, or anyone, could do to alleviate the devastation she must feel.  I hope that the outpouring of love and support that is coming from everyone who knows them will provide at least a little comfort to the family in the time to come. 

Friday, May 6, 2011

Tina Fey's "Mother's Prayer for her Children"

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.


-Tina Fey

Via:  Bossypants
(Which I desperately want to read)